10 Steps For Dealing With AngerSample

Step 5 — Get to the Root of the Problem

In many cases, a person’s anger has nothing to do with what you have said or done. He’s responding out of frustration, stress, insecurity, jealousy, fatigue, or something else that is entirely unrelated to his interaction with you. It is not uncommon for people to become angry when they allow themselves to get too hungry, lonely, or tired.

In my early years as a pastor, when it came to listening to other people’s stories, I did not have nearly as much patience as I have now. I thought—as many men, and certainly many pastors, do—that I needed to be a problem solver. Whenever someone began to tell me about a need or problem, I wanted to jump quickly to the solution—especially if I clearly saw the answer in terms of biblical truth. I did not realize the value in letting that person tell me all the details. But now I understand what a tremendous benefit it is to people when they are allowed to share their full story. I have found that I, too, benefit from catching a glimpse of how God has worked, is working, and will work in someone’s life.

When I was young, my mother would say to me, “Tell me what you want me to know.” She never pressured me to tell her what she wanted to hear or what she thought she should hear. My mother allowed me to say exactly what I wanted to say in my own timing. And, of course, I ended up telling her everything. I find my mother’s approach to be a wise one in most relationships.

Listening to someone tell their story and allowing them to get to the root of the problem goes a long way to defusing anger. Sometimes in the recounting of the offense, hurt, or rejection, a person is better able to see where their strong reaction and emotion have their roots. God uses others to help us “work our way” through any problem we have from the root to its solution, deepening our relationship with Him—and others—in the process.