How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody BattleSample

 

Be Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

One of the hardest things to do, for me anyway, is to be “slow to speak” (James 1:19). Listening is easy—my wife speaks, and I listen. It’s that simple. She sends words out of her mouth that my ears catch and take to my brain. Now the problem for me is what happens next: almost instantly my brain floods with a plethora of ideas, workarounds, new perspectives, or potential solutions, even though Rachel didn’t ask for them. It is as if a dam breaks and the water instantly begins flooding the surrounding area, covering everything—and sometimes causing damage.

When we listen with our ears, we tend to rationalize and instantly attempt to find solutions. This could be because our ears are so close to our brains (of course, this statement is not based on any in-depth scientific research on my part; it’s just a random thought). What I do know from real-life experience is that listening with our hearts allows us to understand our spouse’s perspective with compassion. It allows our hearts to reconnect, to feel what they feel, increasing the desire for us to let them know they are not alone.

We can become the listeners our spouses need.

Here are a few practical ways of doing that.

At the beginning of a conversation, we can remind ourselves that a solution is not necessary unless requested. This way our brains will not get stuck on one particular part of the story as we try to find a solution for each problem.

As we listen, we can try to understand how our spouse is feeling, not think about how we are feeling. This will allow us to respond according to their needs and not according to what we think their needs are.

We can remember that we don’t always have to respond to everything. Sometimes it’s good just to listen and tell our spouse that we understand how they feel and that we are sorry they are going through such a difficult experience.

Finally, we can simply ask our spouse what we can do to help them. This lets them know that we are willing to take action but won’t do it without their approval.

Being quick to listen and slow to speak can be challenging, but it is a great habit that is worth learning both for now and for later on in our marriage.