Messy Beautiful Friendship By Christine HooverSample

Day Two

Our Wish-Dreams for Friendship

Scripture: 1 John 1:8

Perfect (and easy) friendship seems to be the last-to-die dream for many women. We see through the smoke of romantic love fairly early, we learn quickly that chasing beauty or money or perfection is like grasping for the wind, but we hold oh so tightly to our ideal dream of friendship. 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer calls this our wish-dream. In his book Life Together, he says we all have wish-dreams about life in Christian community: “The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it.”

Unfortunately, Christians seem to be the most stubborn purveyors of the wish-dream, because it sounds biblical to pursue idealistic unity and community. Friendship doesn’t happen according to our dream world, however. It’s not linear or static or formulaic. Friendship is formed between imperfect people among the concrete and messy realities of life. Biblical friendship is distinct in that it brings the grace, forgiveness, and truth of Jesus into those messy realities, but it is messy nevertheless. Just as marital love is forged in the daily acts of care and selflessness and mundane responsibilities, friendship is formed in real life—sin, suffering, conflict, and all. 

We don’t need to give up our desire for friendship, only our desire for the immature version of it—that relationships will be forever fun and easy, that we can sit back and wait for others to come toward us, and that all of our needs will be met through other people. 

Do you see the wish-dream in your own heart? Take note of its shape and be quick to release it, because the wish-dream is a hindrance to real friendship. When we hold an ideal of friendship in our minds, believing it’s attainable, we hold a standard above the heads of real women God has placed in our lives, and then we wonder why we’re constantly disappointed by the realities, complexities, and difficulties in our relationships.

A rich opportunity for friendship exists when we reject the ideal wish-dream, understand God’s design for friendship, and embrace those imperfect women who are right in front of us. 

Describe your wish-dream for friendship. How do you think that ideal has affected your friendships or potential friendships in your life?