A Simple Guide to a Better Marriageਨਮੂਨਾ

I Said This, You Heard That, I Meant This

The placard read: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Communication is never as easy as it seems. The problem is we don’t always mean what we say. Sometimes we mean what we say and get upset if people don’t take our statements literally. Sometimes, we don’t mean what we say and don’t understand why people can’t read our minds. Is it possible to avoid such misunderstandings? We certainly can reduce the number of misunderstandings by practicing the art of clarifying!

Clarifying is not difficult, but it does require time and thought. We carry on conversations assuming we know what other people mean by what they say. We don’t think about clarifying because we assume we understand. We must first recognize that communication is not that simple.

The most common method of clarifying is “reflective listening,” or “empathetic listening.” You listen to what the person is saying and then tell them what you are hearing, giving them a chance to clarify.

Clarifying questions can take many forms:

• Are you saying . . . ?
• What I hear you saying is . . .
• Does that mean . . . ?
• Let me make sure I understand you.
• It’s really important for me that I understand what you mean. Could you say that in another way?

There cannot be clear communication without real listening. Real listening is more than remaining quiet while your spouse talks. It requires giving the attention necessary to hear what is said and then seeking to clarify what your spouse really means.

Misunderstandings sometimes cause intense emotional pain. “I think we need to go on a diet” is what he said. “He thinks I’m fat and ugly” is what she heard. “I wish you wouldn’t drive so fast” was her effort to keep him from getting a ticket. What he heard was “She thinks I’m irresponsible, so she has to be my mother.” Neither understood what the other meant, but what they thought was meant has caused pain and resentment for days. Their intimacy has been diminished for lack of clarity. Taking time to clarify meaning can heal an emotional infection before it gets serious enough for surgery. Much of life’s emotional pain could be avoided by clarifying meanings.

Respond

A reflective listening exercise: ask your spouse to share an experience from their childhood, one that you have not heard before. Practice reflective, or empathetic, listening by repeating the story back to them as clearly as you understand it. Include the emotions of the experience they shared. Ask them if you fully grasp the facts and emotions. If not, go another round and seek a more accurate understanding. Next, take your turn and share an experience from your childhood with your spouse. Follow the same steps.