The Gift of Words in Marriage

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”—Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

Think back on the words you spoke to your spouse at the altar on your wedding day. Those words weren’t mere reflections of the sentimental emotions you felt towards your partner, but rather, they were vows of unconditional love, sacrifice, acceptance, and accountability. You declared your life-long intentions and commitment to your spouse “til death do you part.”

The vows that sealed your covenant aren’t the only words that have power in your marriage. Each day you have the opportunity to pursue and encourage your spouse through your words. From that moment at the altar on, your marriage was designed to be a series of moments that slowly and assuringly affirm your devotion to your spouse.

The Bible reveals our words have great power! They have both the power to uplift and encourage or to tear down and discourage. Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) states, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

Your words hold the most power of anyone in your spouse’s life. Whether you’ve recognized it or not, your words produce seeds that are planted in your spouse’s heart and mind and grow into positive or negative fruit. We’re responsible for the fruit that’s produced from our words in our marriage. Let your words to your spouse be guided by both truth and love.

As you choose truthful words to speak to your spouse, you lead your spouse closer to the heart of God.

Your words should . . .

• affirm your spouse’s identity in Christ,
• lead your spouse to remember the goodness and faithfulness of God, and
• reflect the grace and forgiveness that Christ offers everyone.

Your words should not . . .

• oppose or contradict the words and commands of Jesus,
• cause your spouse to question or doubt the love of God, or
• harbor resentment and bitterness towards your spouse.

Additionally, as you allow unconditional love to filter your speech to your spouse, you’re strengthening their confidence in your ever-growing connection.

While husbands and wives both need words of affirmation from their spouse, these affirmations may take different forms, as God has designed each uniquely.

Wives: Generally, your husband needs specific and genuine affirmation in . . .

• Your appreciation of his hard work and the ways he provides for you.
  • Say: “I’m so proud of your hard work ethic. You’re a great provider for our family!”
• Your respect for him.
• Say: “I trust your judgement on this decision, and I respect you for it!”
• His leadership in your marriage.
  • Say: “Thank you for taking this step to lead us (spiritually, financially, etc.)

Husbands: Generally, your wife needs specific and genuine affirmation in . . .

• Your emotional support.
  • Say: “I know this is really hard for you, and I’m in this with you no matter what.”
• Her physical appearance.
  • Say something like: “When you smile, I’m reminded of when I first fell in love with you!”
• Her domestic contributions.
  • Say: “Thank you for all the time you took to clean the house this weekend. You make our house a home!”

This speech, rooted in truth and love, has the power to change the trajectory of your marriage one word at a time. God has given us the gift of using our words for good and beautiful purposes in our marriage. We must choose to steward this gift well.

Pause & Reflection:

Here are some questions to discuss with your spouse:

1. How have you seen words affect you in your life?
2. How have my words affected you?
3. How can I better use my words to serve, build up, and speak life into you?

Now, take turns giving each other sincere compliments and affirmations.

Pray:

Father, today I ask for the wisdom to use Your words to build up my spouse and to speak life into them and into our relationship. By Your Spirit, please “do not let any unwholesome talk come out of [our] mouths, but only what is helpful for building [my spouse] up according to their needs, that it may benefit” my spouse (Ephesians 4:29 NIV). In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.