Good Forgivers, Strong Marriages: How Forgiveness Transforms Marriage

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”—Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth Lotz Graham, is famously known for saying,“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” When we walk down the aisle and say our vows, we all hope for a lasting and happy marriage. If forgiveness is a crucial part of attaining marital happiness, how can we become spouses who are good at forgiving? The answer lies in the gospel.

Perhaps Jesus’ most famous parable on forgiveness is found in Matthew 18:21–35, where a king cancels the immense debt of a servant who could not repay it. That same servant, free of his debt, then goes to one of his own servants and has him arrested for a much smaller debt. When the king learns of this, he has the first servant arrested until he can repay his entire debt.

Jesus’ teaching and Paul’s exhortation to the Colossians, though far from easy, is simple: Forgiven people forgive.

Tim Keller explains it this way: “Jesus very explicitly ties God’s forgiveness of us to our forgiveness of others—if we expect God’s forgiveness and if we have truly rejoiced in it, we will forgive others. If we don’t forgive, though, it’s fair to ask if we have truly received God’s forgiveness and been changed by it. If you never forgive sinners, do you really understand yourself to be a forgiven sinner?”

We must see ourselves in the story as the servant who owed an insurmountable debt toward God, a debt that Jesus canceled on the cross. In our marriages, we must view our own sins as worse than those of our spouse. When we hyperfocus on our spouse’s faults while minimizing our own, we allow pride to take root—a path that leads to destruction (Proverbs 16:18). But, when we fully grasp and live from the grace by which we’ve been saved, we can then extend grace to our spouse.

Below are some things to consider as you practice becoming great forgivers:

1. Be honest.
   Begin by openly acknowledging how your actions irritate, frustrate, grieve, or anger one another. Forgiveness requires first recognizing and admitting the offense rather than brushing it off or excusing it.
2. Communicate with grace.
   Lovingly and respectfully express to each other what has offended you with the goal of repairing the relationship rather than placing blame.
3. Extend forgiveness.
   The purpose of sharing your grievances is not to punish or condemn but to offer an opportunity for both of you to repent and receive grace.
4. Repair and reconnect.
   After discussing the grievances and offering a sincere apology, affirm your unity and care by reconnecting. This could be through a long hug, a kiss, or an activity like going for a walk. Tangible gestures help provide closure and reassure your love for one another, bringing safety and closeness to your relationship.

God, in His perfect love and grace, forgave us of our iniquities so we could freely and generously forgive others. Ask Him to increase your capacity to love and forgive your spouse. As you both grow into great forgivers, your marriage will radiate beauty and reflect God’s transformative love.

Pause & Reflection: :

Here are some questions to discuss with your spouse:

1. What’s the root cause of my hurt? Can I identify the specific action or words that caused me pain?
2. Have I shared my hurt with my spouse clearly and in a way that fosters understanding and connection?
3. What role does pride or fear play in my reluctance to forgive?
4. Have I considered my spouse's perspective?
5. Am I willing to trust God in this process?
6. What steps can I take toward reconciliation?

Pray:

God, thank You for Your immeasurable love and forgiveness displayed on the cross. You paid the debt I owed and could never repay. You lavish your love on me and cover me in your grace. Help me to see my sins for what they are and the ways my pride and selfishness are hurting my marriage. Holy Spirit, create in me a heart that rejoices in my Savior’s forgiveness, so I can repeatedly and freely forgive my spouse, the person God’s given me to cherish. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.