Loving Through ListeningSample

Bear with Me

One evening I was in a small group, and we were checking in with each other before we started discussing the book we were reading together. One of the women (Momma #1) vulnerably shared that her teenage son was struggling with depression, and she feared he was suicidal. Through her tears, she shared that she was at such a loss. She felt helpless and scared.

Without pause, one of the women in the group (Momma #2) jumped in and said, “I know exactly how you feel! That happened to our son! He ... we ... It was awful!”

The momentum and focus shifted from the hurting Momma #1 to Momma #2 and her story. I sat stunned in my seat. What happened next brought tears to my eyes. The brokenhearted momma said, “I’m so sorry for your pain!”

Do you see what happened here? Momma #2 was trying to be kind. She was also likely uncomfortable with the discomfort of the hurting momma. Momma #2 unknowingly hijacked Momma #1’s pain and made it about herself, missing an opportunity to join her in her ache, and perhaps ask a question or two that might help her stay in the story, and care for her just by being with her in it.

Often in these moments we throw Scripture and cliches at those who are hurting. Or we offer, “I’ll pray for you,” and we move on to the next thing. This shuts the conversation down. It closes the door on an opportunity to join them where they are and engage them in a way that can actually offer some healing balm. When we offer verses or cliches initially, we may be attempting to help or to make things “better”, when actually, we are often trying to make ourselves feel better, as we are often uncomfortable with others’ emotions, struggle, and pain. We want to rescue, when what they are really crying out for is for their struggle and pain to be witnessed and joined with.

Sometimes we don’t know how to respond, and yet, what might feel most helpful in the moment is to hear,

“I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so glad you told me.”

It is an honor to bear witness to another human being’s story—especially those of pain, sorrow, and heartache. To hold space for their story, their pain, and to bear their burden with them—if only for a few moments—can be an incredible gift.

As you ponder all this with God today, ask Him:

Father, what are your intentions for how we handle each other’s hearts and stories with care, kindness, and compassion?

Jesus, how have you been present with me in my story, in my struggle? How might I be with others similarly in theirs?

Spirit, how do you bear witness to my situation, my story, my pain, to my grief? How might I bear witness to others in theirs?