Finding Hope: A Plan for Loved Ones of AddictsSample

Day 6: “The Best Thing My Mom Ever Did”

My good friend Floyd works at a treatment center for men struggling with chemical dependency. He makes a point to spend time with many of the families when they visit and I’ve heard him say this about hundred times:

“The best thing my mom ever did for me was leave me in jail.”

It’s always fun to see the responses, especially those who have loved ones caught up in the grips of addiction. If you’re like that, you’ve probably wondered if you should have followed Floyd’s mom’s lead and done the same thing a time or two.

She saved her son’s life, but it wasn’t an easy decision. Allowing kids to reap the consequences of their choices never is.

But it’s often the best thing you can do.

Bailing our kids out is a natural reaction, and just to be clear: sometimes it makes sense. There are times when we do, as parents, need to rescue or advocate for our kids.

But I would say that, more often than not, we probably don’t need to slap the training wheels back on our kids’ lives and feel like their savior.

But what are we saving them from?

Are we saving them from pain? Poisonous relationships? Prison time? Or are we just keeping them from learning vitally important life lessons—the types of lessons that will help them arrive at that crucial place where reality sets in, and help begins to make sense.

Each time we step in and take away the pleasure of earned consequences, we take one step closer to enabling, and they take one step closer to addiction.

I know for a fact that Floyd's mom hated to see her son suffer, but look what happened: that suffering was temporary, and now on the other side of it stands a man of character, endurance, and hope; a man who can testify that he came through the suffering and it turned out okay.

Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is to let go and let God do what He needs to do.

Parents’ Perspective: Wendell Lang

When we enable our children we are traveling down a slippery slope. When do we come alongside our child and when do we exercise tough love? Every situation and circumstance are different, so outside perspective is often helpful—seek counsel from those who are in recovery circles. It is amazing what an objective and experienced voice will lend during your time of trial.

Far too often when we enable our children, we are simply fleshing out a guilt trip. When we own the decisions of our children, we feel it is necessary to make amends for their actions, and thus we enable our kids.

While some struggle with forgiving their children, other struggle with forgiving themselves. Fixing our family is more than we can do alone: we must replace our pain with God’s peace.

Mercy and forgiveness are God’s supernatural way to deal with those who have hurt us. We are Christ like when we allow our loved ones to experience some pain in order to be healed.