Finding Hope: A Plan for Loved Ones of AddictsSample

Day 5: It's Not Your Fault

I’d like to talk about a famous scene that comes toward the end of Good Will Hunting. Throughout the film, troubled young genius Will resents the time he has to spend in therapy with his counselor Sean, but the two eventually form a bond and each begin to see a breakthrough in their own stories.

The scene contains a riveting revelation: both Will and Sean were victims of child abuse. As the emotions pass over Will’s eyes, Sean looks deeply into him and tells him, “It’s not your fault.”

And then he says it again. “It’s not your fault.”

And again. “It’s not your fault.”

Over and over and over, Sean tells Will the truth. Hammering it home through sheer repetition, each utterance another blow against Will’s defenses and the self-defeating lies he’s been telling himself.

Will begins to believe it and he’s left an honest, vulnerable man, aching tears billowing up and temporarily alleviating the pain he’s kept down for so many years.

“It’s not your fault” is a mind-blowingly liberating sentence, but it can be so incredibly hard to believe.

You might have a loved one who is an addict.

But you are not the one who made them that way.

No one’s story is exactly the same, which is why I feel comfortable saying that there’s not a person in the world who is immune to the disease of addiction.

Addiction doesn’t care about anyone’s family history or upbringing; it doesn’t care about anyone’s economic status or genetic makeup; it doesn’t care about anyone’s race, creed, or color. Addiction is no discriminator and will go after anyone and everyone.

That’s why I can say it’s not your fault.

Isn’t that liberating? Read it again and really take it in.

As much as I would have liked to blame my parents for my problems, at the end of the day I was the one shoveling pills down my throat. I was the chief problem, the main issue; I had something innately different about me, and until I dealt with that, I could never find sobriety.

Acceptance was and will always be the key to moving past all my problems.

Because it’s not your fault. It was mine.

Parents’ Perspective: Wendell Lang

We have all taught our children about “guilt by association.” As parents, we must be aware that we can often associate our sense of worth by our children’s behavior. We have lived vicariously through our children. We tend to do this through sports, arts, and studies.

But when I was able to admit that my family was broken, it served as a reminder that I am a broken vessel—and God cherishes broken things:

• The alabaster box of perfume had to be broken before the fragrance filled the room.
• The five loaves and two fishes had to be broken before a miracle happened.
• Jesus said, “This is my body which is broken for you.”

Parents, addiction is not your fault, but it would be a shame to allow your pride or guilt or shame to remove you from getting involved in promoting healing and hope to your addictive child. May we always live out our overcoming as a badge of the grace of God in our lives!