Parents, Have You Found The Balance Between Judgment And Compassion?

Social media hadn’t been invented yet (thank heavens!) when my kids were very small, and I had never heard of the term #minime, but if I had, one of my sons would definitely have qualified for the role. Given the similarity of our temperaments, one would imagine a high degree of mutual sympathy, a level of understanding that would have bound us together in blessed unity and daily harmony.

Nope.

We drove each other crazy on almost every level, and the Sermon on the Mount has given me words to understand why, as mothers, we get so frustrated with our children:

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:1-5)

My Log and Your Speck

The speck of sawdust and the log Jesus is referring to are both composed of the same cellulose and lignin molecules. The difference is only in degree.

We are prone to being hard on others for a minor offense when we are guilty of the same offense—and maybe even to a greater degree! And when it’s a mother and a child with the log and speck scenario, the adult in the room has to take greater responsibility and practice more sweet reasonableness.

For example, if a (ahem) certain mother has her nose stuck in a book at every opportunity and tends to be rather oblivious of the random sock under the coffee table, a certain mindfulness is in order when she addresses her son’s chaotic bedroom and the fact that he has read three Hardy Boys chapters instead of organizing his Lego creations.

My friend Barbara Harper calls this “supposing” and she warns quick-to-judge mums:
“We even carry suppositions into our homes: when we hear a crash and see our son with a bat, when our teenager comes in past curfew, when our husband leaves a mess on the counter. If we’re not careful, tempers flare and we react based on our assumptions. Then we create even more problems: we hurt the feelings of our loved ones if we assume wrong and we make them defensive if we accuse them.”

Jesus is calling us to greater self-awareness in his kingdom. When we see our own sin as bigger, it changes the way we call out the sins of others. Imagine the impact this could have on the way we address our children—especially the ones who happen to have inherited our own temperament with its accompanying sin tendencies.

Nonjudgmental Discernment

One of the most heinous misuses of Matthew 7 is the notion that all judgment is wrong.
“You do you, and I’ll do me, thank you very much. Keep your opinions to yourself.”

As mothers, we are called to meddle in our children’s affairs for as long as they are still children. (Obviously, things change when they become adults.)

Jesus calls us to utilize our mental sifting capabilities in the verse that immediately follows the log and speck passage:

“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.” (Matthew 7:6)

How can we know when we’re dealing with a “dog” or a “pig” without making a judgment? We can’t.
And this is why parenting is not for cowards. We are called to nonjudgmental discernment. Christian parents will always be striving for balance between desiring holiness and wisdom for our children and holding ourselves to a Jesus-like compassion for their shortcomings and character flaws.

Like everything else we’ve talked about in the Sermon on the Mount up to this point, it all comes back to motive. As a mother, criticism can never be a spectator sport. We are active participants in the character development of our children.

And so we ask ourselves:
When I’m addressing sin with one of my children, am I interested in restoration and redemption?
Or does my correction always reek of condemnation, rejection, and self-elevation?

Praying Together

Lord, you know all about the big and blinding logs that obstruct our vision as parents. And yet you have given us the responsibility for training our children in righteousness, so we ask you to partner with us in “taking the log out of our own eye,” in banishing our Pharisaical tendencies. Help us to exercise loving discernment rather than harsh judgment.

As mothers, we have received your forgiveness and your pronouncement of freedom: “No condemnation!” May we demonstrate the extent to which we have understood that forbearance in the way we respond to the sins of our husbands, our children, and our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Amen

Let’s continue this conversation:

• Do you have a “mini-me” in your family whose sin tendencies or habits drive you crazy?
• Have you ever been judged or condemned unfairly?
• Are you walking around in the awareness that you are mightily loved (warts and all) by the God who forgives and forbears in perfect, nonjudgmental love?