Practicing Healthy Communication

Most humans share the same core emotional needs. While they may word it differently, many marriage experts agree that a husband has a core emotional need to feel respected and honored, while a wife has a core emotional need to feel secure and loved.

We tend to interpret the words of our spouse according to our needs. For example, at the beginning of our marriage, car maintenance was a touchy subject. Trying to be helpful, I’d regularly ask my husband if he had been keeping up with the oil changes on our car. I never understood why my “helpful reminders” would make him so annoyed until we read about these core needs.

He explained that when I remind him of something he hasn’t done, it makes him feel like he’s failing as a husband. When we avoid statements that trigger fear in our spouse of their core need going unmet, we can sidestep a lot of unnecessary conflicts.

That’s not to say that I need to walk on eggshells around him or let the cars go unmaintained to avoid hurting his feelings, but there’s a more productive way to approach the situation than to say, “Did you ever get that oil change like you were supposed to?”

I can see now how that single sentence (and likely the tone of my voice) carried a subtle accusation that he wasn’t doing his job as a husband. Proverbs 18:20 (NLT) says, “Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction.” By choosing our words with care, we can influence the outcome of most conversations.

During your engagement, you have the opportunity to set the tone for your marriage by choosing words that affirm rather than accuse. James teaches us that our words have tremendous power over the course of our lives. As you read today’s passage from James 3, consider what each of the metaphors used is illustrating about the power of our words. Ask God to show you how you can better control your speech and choose the words you speak to your future spouse with care.