The Flirtation Experiment: Putting Magic, Mystery, and Spark Into Your Everyday Marriageနမူနာ

The Friendship Experiment

Phylicia

“I didn’t come to marriage looking for a best friend.” 

The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them, and Josh looked at me, stunned. It was our first year of marriage, and we were in another fight over yet another miscommunication—we seemed to rotate through the same ones—and the words were flying fast and hot. I didn’t care how my words made Josh feel. I just wanted to protect my independence.

Josh and I married in a college town surrounded by Christian twentysomethings who all seemed to write their vows the same way. At some point after the rope twisting or sand pouring or foot washing, husband and wife would both tearfully confess how lucky they were to marry their “best friend.” I heard this enough in real life and Hallmark movies to decide, I have no desire to marry my best friend, whatever that even is.

In my twenty-four-year-old mind, the idea of marrying one’s “best friend” was suffocating and claustrophobic. One best friend? I had dozens of friends, never a solitary “best” one. To marry your best friend meant losing all other ones, and I wanted none of that. I wanted marriage, but I also wanted to preserve my independence—at all costs.

The cost was high, and I paid the price. My idolatry of independence made marriage to Josh rocky and painful. What he believed thoughtful, I believed clingy. What he considered friendship, I considered codependence. The closer he got to me, the further I pulled away. Instead of coming to marriage to build something good and new, I came to it avoiding what I didn’t want—an unhealthy, codependent marriage like the ones I’d observed as a single person. I knew what I was against, but I had no idea what I was for, and this shaped our relationship into a cold commitment of separate hobbies, activities, and social circles. The impact of those first two years reverberated through our marriage long after they were over.

Building friendship into my marriage has been a long-term process. I have laid friendly groundwork, worked on my attitudes and idolatries, and become closer to Josh than before. This inner work was necessary for me to take the more visible steps of not just being friendly but becoming his friend.

Friendship is risky. If you’ve ever been through a friendship breakup, you know how painful they can be. Friendship is an unspoken contract of love and goodwill. 

Shared vision and purpose, the sense of “me too!” between people, unforced and not coerced—this is the stuff that makes a friendship. More than that, friendship looks out for the good of the other, and the ultimate act of friendship is to lay down your life for your friend (John 15:13). Giving up your most precious commodities—your time, attention, or life itself—is the fullest form of friendship and truest form of love.

It was no small thing, then, for Jesus to say, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15 NIV).

The almighty God incarnate, owing humanity nothing and yet giving everything, was willing to call us friends. Jesus’ relationship with us was a risk of eternal proportion. In loving us and inviting us to love Him, He knew many would choose not to do so (Matt. 22:14). And because we are His friends, we are given an inside look at His redemptive plan. We are not forced to be the friends of Christ, but we are invited to be friends by His love. We are invited into His purpose.

If the God of the universe stoops to offer friendship to humans—“unsafe” as it is— it is worth considering the importance of friendship to another covenant relationship: marriage. Friendship between humans is interdependent. It requires trust and sacrifice. These are hard to offer when we remain bound by past trauma and childhood hurts; we can’t pour from an empty vessel. Until we deal with our aversion to the vulnerability that friendship requires, our marriage relationships will remain surface and separate. Jesus gives us a template for friendship in marriage. It’s a friendship based on love for the person himself. It’s a reminder of who he is as an image bearer of God.

No two friendships are the same. When I think about my friend-ships with women (like Lisa!) the diversity is evident. The same goes for marriage: your friendship with your spouse is unique and special. What makes you look at him and say, “Me too”?

Respond

Who is your best friend? Why?

Describe the friendship you have with your husband in five words.

Prayer

Father, deepen my friendship with my husband . Lead me to someone today who needs to know You, the friend who is closer than a brother.