When I Hold You: A 7-Day Devotional for Momsနမူနာ

DAY 3: Never Walk in Darkness

Contributor: Kathleen Allen, mom of two boys

Motherhood is simultaneously the most amazing and most terrifying experience. When I had my first son, I often let the terrifying part of my emotions reign. They manifested in high anxiety, magnified by a lack of sleep and subsequent health issues. 

The emotions began the first moment I was alone with our newborn in my arms. I thought, "Wow, this is the amazing love God has for each of us!" It felt like an instant revelation. At the same time, I felt the weight of the world come crashing in on me. "How will I do this? What if I get it all wrong? What if I can't protect him from all the hurt in the world?" Uncontrollable tears poured from my tired eyes.

Before discharge, all new parents at the hospital gather to listen to a presentation about baby safety. SIDS, infant CPR, suffocation, asphyxiation—any negative possibility jumped out at me. My heart sunk further. More tears. It is what I now refer to as "the downward spiral." 

I got a case of mastitis. My son developed an ear infection. I came down with another infection from my antibiotics. There was yet another school shooting on the news after our nation had seen so many. I thought, "What have I done bringing a child into this?" It felt like the darkest cloud hovered over me and might unleash a storm at any unpredictable moment. When I nursed him in the middle of the night, I would worry about all the negative possibilities. 

I was being robbed of those precious, fleeting newborn days. I had no trust, no praise, and no rest. Then one night, I thought, "I can no longer let the enemy steal my joy." I began to worship, not worry. My son was born around Christmas, and I'd sing to him "Light of the World" by Lauren Daigle on repeat. It took my mind from focusing on myself, my fears, and this world to centering on Him, who is worthy. 

"He is the song for the suffering. He is Messiah, the Prince of Peace has come. He has come, Emmanuel. Glory to the light of the world." 

We never have to stay in darkness; we can choose to seek the light. Jesus will guide us out of the dark and into the light, where we can enjoy the beauty and wonder of motherhood. 

A final note: Sometimes, God leads us out of the darkness by leading us to caring medical professionals who can care for us when we are struggling. If you find yourself feeling particularly down, overwhelmed, or disconnected, please discuss this with your medical provider. Postpartum depression is very common (10-15% of women), and you don't have to walk it alone.