Surviving Year One: After the Death of Your Spouseनमुना

He Sees Your Tears

My husband died during a global pandemic.

Hours, days, and weeks of crying over his sudden death left their mark. The skin on my nose was rubbed raw from wiping away so many tears. Even the softest tissue felt like sandpaper.

I soon became grateful for the mandatory mask that hid the tell-tale signs of grief.

But after a few months, my tears dried up. It was as if all the tears apportioned for my lifetime had been spent. My soul, like my tear ducts, was a dry wasteland. I stopped feeling any emotions at all. I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. I was numb, as if I was sleepwalking through the world.

“You can’t schedule grief,” my wise counselor said, “but you can schedule a time to remember.”

So I pulled out pictures, put on his sweatshirt, and even smelled his deodorant in an attempt to remember and feel him close. Then the tears came … and came … and came. Most of my tears were shed privately, away from others who might try to cheer me up or worry that I was sad. God was the only one who saw the true depths of my sorrow.

Whether or not we feel the freedom to show our tears—and tissue-chafed skin—to others, we can take comfort in knowing God sees us and compassionately watches over us, even when it feels like our sorrow will never cease.

Psalm 56:8 says, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.” All our sleepless nights and tears we cry are seen by the God who loves us. Not a single one escapes His notice. And when our cries of sorrow become desperate cries for help, God hears those too. Psalm 18:6 says, “In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help, From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.”

Not only does He hear us when we cry, He also comes near. He tenderly collects our tears, remembering every single one. And when Jesus returns to make all things right, He has promised to wipe every tear from our eyes. And there will be no more death, mourning, crying, or pain (Revelation 21:4).