Ultimate Surrender: Trading It All in for Something BetterПримерок

Slammed Doors and Open Windows

. . . And I receive him. I remember those early days, daughter. I remember when you weren’t sure how to mother. You stumbled into it with confidence, with love, with patience. You knew how to love him, that boy of yours, and you gave him all of you. You never asked for anything back. You can do that again.

Don’t doubt, despite all these trials, that you are beautiful to me, child.

But he did give you so much, didn’t he? In the moments of outstretched hands, giggles and cries. He needed you, and it feels so good to be needed, to be wanted, desired. But know this: Even in the pushing away that he is doing now, he is still crying out; he is still reaching; he is wondering if you are still here, his safety, his sure one. He needs you, his mom, dear one, even though it sometimes doesn’t feel like it.

And you’ve needed me, too.

I know it is hard not to look back on the past. It is good to remember the beauty of moments, the preciousness of memory. You carry those stories within you, child. You carry the memory within you; it has shaped you and reminds you that it’s okay not to have this life all figured out. Now you know you are not alone. Now you see me here with you. I am holding your boy as I hold you, my arms wrapped fast around you both. Especially now.

You are not alone. Not then, when he was small and the smiles came readily and easily. And not now, with his reticence to give of himself. I will help him take risks. I will be with him as he tries new things. Yes, I know this world feels much bigger and more dangerous than ever. He’ll be okay. Even when it feels like he won’t. I am here. I hear your prayers. I keep my arms wrapped ’round.

Look to me. How you feel and what you know are not what I feel and what I know. I see you. I see your darling boy. There is a future here that is good. Yes, even in this journey now. Yes, even though it is hard. Yes, I take your fear.

Yes, I take your worry. I’ve had him all along. You too.

And this is still just the beginning.

Exercise & Prayer

Be quiet for a few moments. Consider what you struggle surrendering to God and what you wish you could change—a person, situation, or condition you wish could be fixed. Close your eyes and picture the person or situation. See it clearly. Then, ask God to help you let it go. Open your hands, let them fall at your side, or rest in your lap. Give God this thing you’ve been holding onto. Trust him with your mind, your heart, your imagination now. Let him show you a new picture of what it means to open your hands, giving this person or situation to him.

Father, change is hard. I resist it. I fight when I see it coming. I want to control the details of my life, manage the people I love, and ensure they’re okay. Uncertainty undermines my faith. Forgive me. I surrender to you the people I love most and pray that I may be the woman who loves my family and friends well. I surrender all my roles to you. I pray that you are seen in me more than anything else. I want to trust you more than myself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.