Day 4: “What am I not sharing?”

Today’s soul question is “What am I not sharing?” and our focus is on emotional transparency.

Take a deep breath, say the word “Hmmmm,” and ponder the question, “What am I not sharing?”

Whatever comes up for you is probably an example of something you’re not sharing with your spouse for one reason or another. This could be something significant or something really small. No matter what comes up, don’t discount it or rationalize it away.

When we withhold something from our spouse, a really painful cycle begins. Withholding leads to withdrawing, and then usually leads to criticizing our spouse - sometimes, for the exact thing we’re not sharing with them.

One of the most common examples of this is accusing our spouse of not telling the exact truth. Generally, this is a sign that we may be withholding something. Withholding is a form of not telling the truth.

We withdraw because if we’re too close, they might learn what we’re not sharing.

If we criticize them, it helps us justify the withholding, and the cycle continues. If they are _____ or ______, it is easier to say, “Yeah, I shouldn’t tell them; I’ll just keep it between God and me…….”

So why do we withhold? We are withholding because we are hurting. Additionally, the thought of telling the truth could be even more painful. Most of us experienced a time in our past when we told the truth to someone, resulting in disconnection. But David paints a beautiful picture of what it looks like to be transparent with God and the type of safety and connection emotional transparency creates.

David writes in Psalm 32:3-7, “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away, through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord. And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Therefore let all the faithful pray to you while you may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

How beautiful is this? When David withheld from God, he felt like his bones wasted away. When He became transparent with God, God forgave him and became his hiding place, protection, and place of deliverance. Imagine the intimacy David’s transparency created between himself and God.

Now, how do you imagine your marriage would change if you and your spouse became emotionally transparent with each other?

When we are transparent about what we’re feeling, thinking, doing, and desiring, the withdrawing ends, and so does the criticism. Emotional transparency in our marriage leads to intimacy like David and God had. Forgiveness, protection(safety), closeness, encouragement, and deliverance from our pain or iniquities.

Action Item: Start small. Write down 1 or 2 things you’ve been feeling, thinking about, or doing lately that you have been withholding from your spouse. Say to your spouse, “Because I love you, and so we can experience real intimacy, I want to share a few things with you and make this our new normal together.” Then share with them what you wrote.