More Beauty Less Messಮಾದರಿ

Have you ever felt the stab of words so swift and violent it took your breath away? My teenage daughter and I are “verbal affirmation” females, the type who feel loved when others speak encouragement to us. But our tender words can turn into fighting words, too—and they hurt. Badly.

For just as lavishly as she showers me with praise, appreciation, and support, when my daughter’s feeling foul, her statements become snarky and insulting.

“Oh, Mama, I’m so sorry,” she always wails afterward, her remorse almost palpable. “You’re my most important person. How could I ever say those things to you?”

I hold her close. “I forgive you. But it hurts when you say that. Next time, work on expressing yourself without beating me up in the process.”

She stares up at me, her eyes puffy and cheeks wet. “You shouldn’t forgive me. I’m horrible! I say horrible things.”

Of course I forgive her—how could I not? Jesus commanded us to forgive, not once but 77 times (Matthew 18:21-35). I know I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t. 

See, I remember doing the same thing to my mom. She’d fight right back, and it became a vicious, dysfunctional cycle. The things I said to her were wrong, disrespectful. I wasn’t honoring God’s commandment to honor her as my parent, and I was lashing out in anger and pride.

As the years passed, I experienced shame and guilt over all I’d said and done. But time healed and mended what could have remained a broken relationship. Truly wanting to change was the real key to healing. I know my mom’s forgiveness of me—and mine of her—is what really forms the loving center of our relationship today, and now we are best friends.

All of this helps me look at the situation with my daughter through new eyes—God’s eyes. It helps me forgive even as the transgression is happening. I see, and I understand.

This doesn’t mean I should allow verbal cruelty or disrespect. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forsaking truth, boundaries, or inviting and accepting abuse. Forgiveness simply relinquishes the desire to get even and chooses to start fresh. As Colossians 3:13 states, we’re to bear “with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Our sin is an offense against God, a rebellion against Him, but He still forgives us. He offers us grace and mercy. He offers to cleanse and free our hearts and enables us to follow His lead. 

Just as I did with my mom, I choose to apply this to my relationship with my daughter. I choose to model my life after God, to obey Jesus’s commands, and offer that same grace I received. I choose forgiveness.

How about you? Is there a barrier between you and your mom or daughter that needs to fall? An offense you need to let go of?

~Jessica Brodie