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SUPPORTING YOUR GROWN CHILD IN A SPIRITUALLY MIXED RELATIONSHIP
How should you respond if you’re the parent of a grown child – a child you worked long and hard to raise in the nurture and admonition of the Lord – who is planning to marry a non-Christian? Should you speak up and voice your objections? Should you point out the potential dangers of the proposed match? Should you go so far as to make your disapproval known by refusing to attend the wedding?
None of these questions has a single “correct” answer. In the end, it all comes down to a matter of personal conscience. Conscience is something the biblical writers take very seriously. They leave room for a great deal of latitude and scope in this area (see, for example, Acts 23:1; Romans 2:15, 9:1, 14:5; I Corinthians 8:1-13; II Corinthians 1:12; I Timothy 1:5, 19; Hebrews 9:14; I Peter 3:16, 21). In the final analysis, only you and your spouse can decide how to handle this sensitive situation.
Meanwhile, there are a few things you may want to take into consideration as you move forward. First, remember that, as a full-fledged adult, your child is your peer. This means that the task of “raising” him or her is now complete. Your basic role has changed from guide and director to advisor or mentor. You’ll always be mom and dad, of course. It’s understandable that you want your child to honor the faith in which you’ve raised him or her. In spite of this, you are no longer in a position to tell your child what to do.
You can express concerns about his or her choice of a marriage partner. You can talk about relevant biblical principles. You can point out the increased potential for conflict in any marriage where the partners can’t agree about their deepest spiritual convictions. You can urge the young couple to confront that potential head-on with the help of a pre-marital counselor. You can discuss all of these issues openly and intelligently, just as you would discuss them with any other adult Christian friend. But in the end you have to treat your adult child as an equal and respect his or her decisions.
Second, bear in mind that here, as in every area of your relationship with an adult child, it’s crucial to maintain healthy boundaries. This means identifying what’s yours and what isn’t. It’s a matter of learning to tell the difference between the things you can and can’t control. As we’ve already said, you can’t dictate the behavior of another adult. You can, however, determine to stay faithful to your own values and convictions. You can also ask the other adult to respect your beliefs. Are you thoroughly convinced that it would be wrong to support this marriage by attending the wedding? Are you certain you would feel and respond the same way if one of the individuals involved was not your own child? If so, then by all means stick to your guns. Don’t give in to pressure. Don’t compromise your beliefs simply to appease your child. But be sure to explain your actions and choices with compassion, sensitivity, and great care.
Finally, take time to ponder all of your options. Don’t rush into anything on the basis of emotional reactions. If you think about it carefully, you may conclude that this issue isn’t as black-and-white/all-or-nothing as it seems. It’s one thing to give your “stamp of approval” to a marriage by actively participating in the wedding. It’s another simply to attend and sit in the congregation as an expression of love and respect. It might be worth asking yourself whether there are other ways of articulating legitimate concern about this union. However you handle it, you want to avoid severing ties with your child. You don’t want to bring about a long-term estrangement from the young couple and your future grandchildren. You need to weigh and balance all of these considerations before coming down on one side or the other.
For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Website, or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).
How should you respond if you’re the parent of a grown child – a child you worked long and hard to raise in the nurture and admonition of the Lord – who is planning to marry a non-Christian? Should you speak up and voice your objections? Should you point out the potential dangers of the proposed match? Should you go so far as to make your disapproval known by refusing to attend the wedding?
None of these questions has a single “correct” answer. In the end, it all comes down to a matter of personal conscience. Conscience is something the biblical writers take very seriously. They leave room for a great deal of latitude and scope in this area (see, for example, Acts 23:1; Romans 2:15, 9:1, 14:5; I Corinthians 8:1-13; II Corinthians 1:12; I Timothy 1:5, 19; Hebrews 9:14; I Peter 3:16, 21). In the final analysis, only you and your spouse can decide how to handle this sensitive situation.
Meanwhile, there are a few things you may want to take into consideration as you move forward. First, remember that, as a full-fledged adult, your child is your peer. This means that the task of “raising” him or her is now complete. Your basic role has changed from guide and director to advisor or mentor. You’ll always be mom and dad, of course. It’s understandable that you want your child to honor the faith in which you’ve raised him or her. In spite of this, you are no longer in a position to tell your child what to do.
You can express concerns about his or her choice of a marriage partner. You can talk about relevant biblical principles. You can point out the increased potential for conflict in any marriage where the partners can’t agree about their deepest spiritual convictions. You can urge the young couple to confront that potential head-on with the help of a pre-marital counselor. You can discuss all of these issues openly and intelligently, just as you would discuss them with any other adult Christian friend. But in the end you have to treat your adult child as an equal and respect his or her decisions.
Second, bear in mind that here, as in every area of your relationship with an adult child, it’s crucial to maintain healthy boundaries. This means identifying what’s yours and what isn’t. It’s a matter of learning to tell the difference between the things you can and can’t control. As we’ve already said, you can’t dictate the behavior of another adult. You can, however, determine to stay faithful to your own values and convictions. You can also ask the other adult to respect your beliefs. Are you thoroughly convinced that it would be wrong to support this marriage by attending the wedding? Are you certain you would feel and respond the same way if one of the individuals involved was not your own child? If so, then by all means stick to your guns. Don’t give in to pressure. Don’t compromise your beliefs simply to appease your child. But be sure to explain your actions and choices with compassion, sensitivity, and great care.
Finally, take time to ponder all of your options. Don’t rush into anything on the basis of emotional reactions. If you think about it carefully, you may conclude that this issue isn’t as black-and-white/all-or-nothing as it seems. It’s one thing to give your “stamp of approval” to a marriage by actively participating in the wedding. It’s another simply to attend and sit in the congregation as an expression of love and respect. It might be worth asking yourself whether there are other ways of articulating legitimate concern about this union. However you handle it, you want to avoid severing ties with your child. You don’t want to bring about a long-term estrangement from the young couple and your future grandchildren. You need to weigh and balance all of these considerations before coming down on one side or the other.
For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Website, or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).
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About this Plan
Marrying someone who doesn’t share your faith in Jesus Christ is no casual affair. Disagreeing between chocolate and vanilla is a relational speed bump. Disagreeing between worldviews can be a mountain. Whether you became a Christian before or after you got married, or whether you’re single and dating or building a romantic relationship, let’s talk about the challenges and the opportunities that come with being in a spiritual mismatch.
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