Loving Through ListeningSample

Unhelpful Listening and Responding

I recently shared with a small group of friends about a very painful encounter I had just had with a family member during our family’s vacation at the beach. One friend asked, “When did that happen?”

I said, “It was day five of our week.”

He said with a nervous laugh, “Well, at least you had five good days!”

That comment was not only unhelpful, it was also very insensitive, unkind, dismissive of my pain, and actually felt like more of the harm I had just endured from my family member.

Sometimes, despite our heart to offer care, we venture into some ways of engaging and listening that are simply not helpful and could even be harmful. Here are a few examples*:

• The Bulldozer offers insight into someone’s story; but instead of moving with compassion and wisdom, Bulldozers barge into painful territory without having been invited there. The sharer will likely feel afraid.
• The Advice Giver avoids entering into their story, and instead attempts to tend to a person’s heart by offering practical advice such as “read this book,” or “take this class.” There is certainly a time and place for offering helpful things, but this can often be a way of sidestepping care. The sharer will likely feel dismissed.
• The Story Diverter/Co-Opter assumes her own story is the best guide to understanding someone else’s, and co-opts the time by shifting attention to her own story as a means of offering help. It leaves the person who is sharing feeling burdened to offer care while also feeling frustrated and abandoned.
• The Interrogator asks multiple questions, assuming they are easily answered or that the person hasn’t considered them. This refusal to enter into their story heaps heavy burdens on an already burdened person.
• The Poker Face offers very little response in both verbal and non-verbal communication, thus is essentially silent. This reaction often comes from a place of being unsure of what to do and not wanting to cause harm, but it leaves the person sharing alone, afraid, and likely ashamed.

*adapted from The Allender Center’s Story Sage

If you catch yourself responding in one of the ways listed above, it’s okay! Don’t panic! You might default into one of these unhelpful ways as you learn and practice listening and engaging well. There is grace for each of us as we grow in offering good care.

If you do find that you’ve defaulted into one of these unhelpful ways of listening, stop, name it, apologize, and then re-engage with kindness and attunement.

As you ponder all this with God today, ask Him:

Father, please remind me of a time when I shared with someone who did not listen well. Would you help me remember what that felt like? What did it raise up in me?

Jesus, would you help me to see where I react in some of these unhelpful ways of listening? What might be the cause for why I relate as I currently do?

Spirit, where do I need to extend grace to myself for the ways I have not listened as well as I might have?