The Marriage Talks Part 4 | Making It LastSample

Day 5 | Proverbs 31 | Honor Your Wife

This devotional works best as an audio experience. Hit the play button now, and read along if you like.

Hello and welcome once again to the Marriage Talks. Kris Langham back with you, and we have a special treat for you today as we change things up a bit. My wife is here! Actually, this is a previously recorded audio from Proverbs 31—the beloved chapter about the wife of noble character. It’s a discussion between myself, my wife Andrea, and our good friend Bethany Wilson. They bring a wife’s perspective to the chapter, and also a mom’s.

And that’s fitting, because chapter 31 was written by a mom to her son. Verse 1:

“The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him” (Proverbs 31:1).

In Hebrew, the passage is a catchy poem, and she likely sang it to him regularly. The heart of this mom’s message: honor your wife. She works hard and she deserves respect. It begins in verse 10:

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10).

What follows is a powerful description of a good wife. Now before we jump in, I want to clarify what this chapter isn’t. It is not directions for women on how to be the perfect wife. Though this woman is certainly a good role model, she is not meant to be a standard by which other wives compare and shame themselves. Read the context. This is a mom telling her son: first to choose a noble wife, and later to acknowledge how amazing his wife is and how hard she works.

So jumping into our discussion, my first question for the ladies was how to make sure we read this the right way. The first voice you’ll hear is my wife Andrea, and the second is Bethany Wilson. So let’s dive in.

——— Begin Discussion ———

Andrea: Yes, I think it’s important that we don’t bring our insecurities to this chapter and try to measure up against this woman like we do far too often in our lives comparing ourselves to others. We’ve got to approach this by abiding in Christ, confident that our identity is found in him, rather than seeing here how we fail to measure up. See what God is making us to be: “Christ in us, the hope of glory.” Hope for who we are becoming (Colossians 1:27).

Bethany: And we also need to see this is a portrait of one virtuous woman, not the blueprints for the only virtuous woman. Every woman is different, and God honors our individuality. This woman is a role model, not a cookie-cutter. And I don’t believe that this chapter is an average 24 hours of any human being—because it would be impossible.

Kris: That would be impossible. Up early, working late at night, never stop working, and do everything in one day. That’s not what this is. That’s good. And the first verse that strikes me is verse 11:

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value” (Proverbs 31:11).

In other words, he trusts her. And how full is the heart of a man who can trust fully in his wife? And in what follows, what I see is that a husband’s trust empowers his wife. The noble woman in these verses is industrious, hardworking, faithful, diligent, compassionate, entrepreneurial, and her husband has full confidence in her. He doesn’t second guess. She buys a field, he trusts her.

In the Biblical roles for husband and wife, it’s essential that we recognize what is Biblical mandate and what is tradition and culture. The husband is the head of the wife, a picture of Christ (Ephesians 5). But headship does not mean controlling, it means empowering. And headship should not force roles of breadwinner and housewife. That stuff is tradition and it can work well, but every house is different. Men, you are the captain, but the team captain is not always the point guard. You can trust her with the ball. Because verse 12 says:

“She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

If she’s a good woman, she is for you. So trust her. Now let’s walk through this picture. What do we see about this woman?

A: Well, starting in verse 13, she is hard-working and industrious. She buys material, works with it, sells, starts early, and provides food for her family.

K: And here verse 16 says:

“She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard” (Proverbs 31:16).

That verse strikes me because buying a field is a major decision and her husband trusts her to make that decision on her own. And he doesn’t undermine her authority.

B: Right, and in verse 17:

“She sets about her work vigorously” (Proverbs 31:17).

She is diligent and strong. She trades her goods, and she puts her hands to the work.

A: And in verse 20:

“She opens her arms to the poor” (Proverbs 31:20).

She’s compassionate and generous. And in 21:

“When it snows, she has no fear for her household” (Proverbs 31:21).

In other words, she’s prepared. A tough winter doesn’t scare her. And I think for a mom, this is important. When you have a baby—this fragile, helpless soul entrusted to your care—fear can become overwhelming. There are so many dangers. But in Christ, we are called to be strong and courageous.

B: Verse 23 says,

“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land” (Proverbs 31:23).

The city gate was where civic business was handled. And I just see this as the power couple when we’re talking about these two. Not because of their wealth or position makes them the power couple, but because they seek to fulfill the roles God has given them, and in turn, they have an honorable testimony to others.

K: I have to add one of a husband’s deepest needs is for his wife to believe in him—to trust him. And respect is the language of that trust. He’s respected at home. Here he’s respected in the city gate. Back to the wife, verse 25 says:

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31:25).

Now I know my wife loves this verse. So, Andrea, what is this strength and how is she clothed with it?

A: So the woman who is clothed in strength and dignity knows that she’s not all that. But in Christ, she is confident that she is growing and that He is molding her. That is her source of strength. That is her dignity. She doesn’t get caught up in insecurities because she knows that she doesn’t have to be more than enough—that she is enough. She who abides in Christ knows that she is being conformed into His image and can therefore just let go of her own failings and cheer on those around her who are doing great, and have grace with those who are struggling.

Knowing who she is is to me the definition of dignity. And it’s not a dignity that she has to put on to look like she has it all together, but it's a humility and an honesty coupled with a love for others. It’s having self-confidence while having the confidence of others.

K: In verse 26:

“She speaks with wisdom” (Proverbs 31:26).

Husband, listen to your wife. “Faithful instruction,” it says. She’s a good teacher. Verse 27 shows us her authority and responsibility in the household:

“She watches over the affairs...” (Proverbs 31:27)

…of the house. And she’s not lazy. And in 28:

“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her” (Proverbs 31:28).

Men take note. He praises her. Say nice things to your wife and about your wife. She earns it. Don’t just feel it, use words. Out loud. Kids, same for you. And I can read the next verse wholeheartedly about my bride:

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all” (Proverbs 31:29).

No offense Bethany. I know that Geoff speaks very highly of you.

B: None taken. But it’s true, a woman who is praised by those she serves desires to serve them more. And round and round the energizing cycle goes, serving and encouraging each other.

K: That’s a good picture. And then in verse 30, mom wraps it all up for her son to make sure he’s looking for the right girl:

“Charm is deceptive…” (Proverbs 31:30).

Those little sparks of chemistry you get. Son, don’t get fooled by the magic show. Women can lie.

“…and beauty is fleeting…” (Proverbs 31:30).

Son, she may be pretty now, but we’re talking about a lifetime together, and it doesn’t last.

“...but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).

And there is the source of this woman’s remarkable wisdom and industry. And so, Proverbs ends where it began. The fear of the Lord. For any woman who aspires to be this wife of noble character, this is step one. And for any man who wants to marry her, this is what you look for: the fear of the Lord.

——— End of Discussion ———

And that’s where I’ll cut off the conversation. Hope you enjoyed hearing from the women on this one. And I’m so glad you got to meet Andrea! As the voice of Through the Word, I get way too much credit. My wife, like many others, works very hard without much recognition. But she certainly deserves some. And that’s exactly where the chapter closes. Verse 31 says:

“Honor her for all that her hands have done…” (Proverbs 31:31).

That is what this whole chapter is all about. Honor your wife. Recognize her value and give her credit. Trust her, empower her, and for goodness sake take notice of all the work she does. Back in 31:

“…and let her works bring her praise at the city gate” (Proverbs 31:31).

When you’re at work, when you’re at church, when someone gives you credit, acknowledge your wife and all the work she does.

And that’s it for today. Read Proverbs 31, and talk through these questions.

For Thought & Discussion

Question #1: What effect does a husband’s trust and confidence in his wife have on her? Also discuss a wife’s trust and confidence, and how each one affects the marriage. Use verses 11 to 16 for reference.

Question #2: In verse 31, why is it important for a husband to honor his wife and praise her publicly? And is the same true for a wife?

And for each of those, discuss how the two of you can improve the way that you express both confidence and praise.

As always, speak with grace, listen with humility, and no shaming. See you next time.

Read Proverbs 31.

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.