The Marriage Talks Part 4 | Making It LastSample

Day 1 | Deuteronomy 24:5 | But Do You Like Each Other?

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Hello my friends and welcome to part four of the Marriage Talks! My name is Kris Langham, so glad to be back with you for another round. Way to stick it out for the long haul! And quite fittingly, that is exactly what this series is about. Part 4 is all about making it last.

If we made it this far, nothing’s gonna stop us now. We can build this dream together, standing strong forever…

I’m sorry. If you hang out with me long enough, you’ll discover that my mind regularly cranks out random song lyrics out of nowhere. That was Starship by the way. It’s like my subconscious is constantly playing a game of music association, and it just blurts out lyrics at any moment. My mind is particularly fond of 80’s power ballads. The best part of this strange, condition is that my wife suffers from the same malady. Or perhaps I’ve infected her, I don’t know. But l can start in on just about any music line, totally without warning, and she’ll finish it. If we pass in the hallway and I happen to say, “You’re the meaning in my life,” she will follow right along, “You’re the inspiration.” If I say, “Nevermind I’ll find,” she will say, “someone like you.” Yes, we do know songs from this century. And yes, we will proceed to sing a duet.

Why do I share my family’s random inanities with you now? Because I like them. And I really like my family. We would probably drive you crazy, but we like each other. So, what do you think? When it comes to making marriage last, does it matter if you like your spouse? We know that love is essential, but what if you don’t enjoy their company? And more importantly, is liking a matter of chemistry and chance, or can you choose it? Can you decide to enjoy your spouse?

Today’s topic, is joy. Shared joy. And it’s a crucial one. This might just be the one thing you lack. Enjoy your spouse. It’s biblical. Even as I say those words, some of you feel a sense of strength, because you have that joy. Others feel a deep sense of weakness, because you lost it. Because strength and joy are deeply linked.

Let’s dig into the Word to find out why. We begin at Deuteronomy 24:5, which is a law that God set for Israel:

“If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married” (Deuteronomy 24:5).

How great is that? Year one of marriage was protected. Men, stay home from battle and “bring happiness” to your wife. Notice that he doesn’t make her happy. You don’t force joy on a person, you bring it to them and enjoy it together.

Watch this. In the Bible, joy is not something that happens to you, nor is it a mask you wear to pretend everything is good when it’s not. Much like love, joy is a decision you make as you actively choose to focus on the good and rejoice in it. Philippians tells us to:

“Rejoice in the Lord” (Philippians 4:4).

And Proverbs tells you husbands to:

“…rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

It’s a directive because it is something you can choose and work at. The Bible encourages a healthy balance of emotions: sorrow and joy, grief and celebration. Each is a blessing in its own time, and a good balance keeps your mind and your marriage healthy. Rejoice together and weep together. They are both bonding experiences. But joy is special. And this was God’s rule: To build a good foundation in year one, set aside the battles of life, and just bring each other happiness. A healthy marriage is a fun marriage. And so many years later, God says again:

“…rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

Joy is one of the great blessings of the marriage covenant. In Jeremiah 33, the Lord promised a new covenant with his people:

“…there will be heard once more the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord…” (Jeremiah 33:10b-11a).

Notice that sounds of joy and sounds of a wedding go hand in hand. Marriage and joy are meant to be together.

But for some of us, it’s just not that easy. Maybe you remember when it used to be fun, but that wore off some time ago. A real marriage has to deal with all the stress of life and personality conflict and navigating old hurts, mixed emotions, and everything else. Sometimes remembering to share some laughs together just gets lost in the shuffle. So what I’m hoping to do here in Part 4 is remind you that marriage is supposed to be joyful. That’s part of God’s design to keep you close and help you get through.

But there’s a wrong way and a right way to go about this. The wrong way is the superficial solution. It’s looking at all those other families laughing and having fun and wanting what they have. But those are advertisements. They’re just trying to sell you a vacation. But real joy can’t be bought, and it can’t be faked. Sure, a vacation can be a great opportunity for joy, but it can’t make your family happy. Real joy is something that you choose and work at and hold onto together through struggle and trials. In the Bible, joy is paired up with trials just as much as it’s paired with celebration! In James 1, Philippians 4, Romans 5, we are consistently called to rejoice through the struggles—to find joy and choose it.

Your marriage will face good times and bad, and it’s up to you whether you treat your spouse as someone to vent your frustration on, or someone to share the struggle with—to strengthen and be strengthened.

If you vent anger and frustration on each other as a daily routine, don’t expect the vacation to magically fix your broken dynamic. You have to put in the work to learn how to enjoy all of life together.

We’ll talk more as we go. And I’ll share some more stories from my family, but please know that we are not the perfect, problem-free Christian family. We argue, we frustrate each other, we’re normal. And that sort of unrealistic idealism of the perfect family isn’t healthy. Neither is trying to be like someone else. Every marriage and every family has it’s own dynamics. What is healthy is a good sense of humility—to be real about who you are and how you need to improve, and a good sense of humor so you can laugh together as you grow. Laughter is powerful. If a cheerful heart is medicine for your soul (Proverbs 17:22), then shared joy is medicine for your marriage. So let’s start the conversation with today’s discussion.

For Thought & Discussion

Question #1: What activities do you do to have fun together? And more importantly, what do you do that creates opportunity to both enjoy time together and to enjoy each other?

Question #2: When you enjoy something about your spouse, how do you express it? And what does that do for your relationship?

Remember the rules: speak with grace, listen with humility, and no shaming. And I’ll see you back here next time.

Read Deuteronomy 24:5, Proverbs 5:19, Jeremiah 33:10-11.

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.