Conflict as a CatalystSample

Fighting is about the moment; conflict is about the marriage. 

One Sunday as Mike and I were driving with the kids to church, a yellow light prompted a fight between us. Mike was driving, and I saw the light turn yellow when we were still a good distance away. I said something about how he should stop instead of stepping on the gas. This made Mike hesitate. His instincts would have certainly been to run the light. In his frustration, Mike swore. 

Then I retorted with a snarky comment, “Really nice for you to swear in front of the boys because we will get to church a minute later. That’s just a great example!”

Let’s just say neither of us was in the mood to worship that morning. Can you relate to this episode? Even with something as benign as a traffic light, you get pulled into the moment and begin to do long-term damage to each other. 

God is teaching me that I could win every argument and still lose my marriage. That perspective helps me practice the self-control and humility required to do conflict well. 

I’m not suggesting that you walk away from an issue when you walk away from a fight. There are some conflicts you must walk through. Avoiding them is neither loving nor beneficial. There are some conflicts in your marriage that will be really stressful. It’s no fun to confront your spouse on their porn use or decide as a couple whether or not to declare bankruptcy. These are very important issues that you need God’s wisdom and grace to work through. 

Switching from a pattern of fighting to healthy conflict means refusing to make your spouse the enemy, being patient to wait until the right time, and committing to talk the issues through in a loving manner. Ask the Lord to give you the wisdom you need to make this change in your heart and your marriage.

CONTEMPLATING CONFLICT: 

Can you think of a moment that you wish you would have waited to respond to your spouse? Was the setting inappropriate or the timing bad? In retrospect, how could you have handled that time differently? In the future, what can you do when you feel the need to respond, but you know that it is not the right time to do so? 

CONFLICT AS CATALYST: 

Here is an action step you can utilize in times of conflict: EVALUATE BEFORE YOU PARTICIPATE. It is so easy to react in the moment, but that can be so costly for you and the health of your marriage.  When you are sensing conflict starting to erupt, ask the Lord for wisdom, and then evaluate the time and setting of the moment.  Are you both in a frame of mind to effectively discuss the topic at hand? Are you well-rested and in safe company, or are you exhausted and in a group of people? Make sure to always evaluate the cost of your reaction before you participate in a conversation that can either help or hinder the health of your marriage.