Conflict as a CatalystSample

Fights are rooted in fear and pride while conflict requires humility. When you and your spouse are engaged in fighting, you both want to win. You are convinced that you have the better argument, you are more justified in your anger than he is, or you want to hurt her as much as she hurt you. 

Fights typically end with a perceived winner and loser. Someone got the last word or overpowered the other one. 

The goal of conflict is to end up on the same page. Conflict isn’t motivated by getting your way or proving your point. The goal is to become like-minded and understand each other on a deeper level. Even if you and your husband will never see an issue exactly the same, through conflict, you can gain an appreciation for each other’s perspective.

One of the most powerful things you can do to switch a fight into a healthy conflict is to take a step toward humility. Although I’m the psychologist, my husband is often better at practicing this than I am. When a fight begins to escalate, Mike will sometimes say something that demonstrates that he’s not simply motivated to win. 

Juli, I don’t want to fight with you. I love you! Remember that you and I are on the same team.

This immediately disarms me and helps me gain perspective. 

Apologizing for your part in a misunderstanding is another way to demonstrate humility. “I’m sorry I said that the way I did. I didn’t intend to hurt you, but what I said was uncalled for. Will you forgive me?”

While those words may be very difficult to utter in the heat of the battle, they will likely turn a contentious fight into a meaningful conflict. In essence, you are telling your husband, I care more about us than I care about getting my way. 

CONTEMPLATING CONFLICT: 

Is it hard for you to admit that you have caused hurt or have reacted wrongly? Are you able to recognize when you are reacting from fear or pride? When conflict arises, how can you seek opportunities to demonstrate humility?

CONFLICT AS CATALYST: 

Here is an action step you can utilize in times of conflict: ASK AND GIVE. ASK the Lord to help you be a humble teammate and ASK your spouse for forgiveness if necessary.  In the same sense, GIVE your spouse the gift of being forgiven, if they ask, and give them an opportunity to experience you as a teammate instead of an opponent. Determine to partner with your spouse in seeking a resolution on which you both agree. You will surely experience deeper intimacy and connection if you apply this action step with consistency!