Relentless EmpathySýnishorn

CONNECT!

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:4 ESV

The first step in the Relentless Empathy C.U.R.E. process is to connect with others. John Lennox, Professor of Mathematics at Oxford University, said, “If you want people to think you are interesting, show interest.” Showing interest is where you start. People are interested in themselves—so they love it when others find them interesting. That’s the secret to establishing a connection. Everyone can do this. It isn’t rocket science. You don’t have to be “in touch with your feelings.” Showing interest is a skill that can be learned. But it is harder than it sounds. You must be willing to go first.

To connect with another person, start by asking questions to show interest. Here are some examples:

1. What is your name?

2. Would you mind sharing your story with me?

3. What is your favorite _________________?

4. Is there anything making you mad, sad, or glad right now?

5. Are you up for telling me more about it?

6. I feel _______________ (try to match their emotion).

Scientific data bears out that the simple gesture of remembering someone’s name is very empowering. For example, when a class is small enough for the teacher to know every person’s name, the students are more likely to behave in a desired manner.

I have found an acronym helpful in tapping into the emotions that can lead to connections: L.E.A.D. (Listening, Emotion Matching, Asking, and Delighting).

Listening: Jesus frequently reminded his followers, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

Emotion Matching: Paul the Apostle said, "Rejoice with those who rejoice.”

Asking Relational Questions: When Adam sinned, God asked a relational question when He said, “Where are you?”

Delighting: Jonathan, Saul’s son, greatly delighted in David.

The idea of “matching” another person’s emotion probably sounds like psychobabble, but it is quite biblical. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Some translations say, “Weep with those who weep.” This is another one of those pesky Bible verses that is often disobeyed—usually without knowing it. Matching emotion is a skill that leads to connection. Remember the definition of connection? It is “to know and to be known.” Emotion matching empowers the person the person you are connecting with. It’s like plugging in a power cord!

To clarify, empathy is not connecting to another person's experience; it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin the experience. Therefore, you don’t have to have gone through the same thing the other person went through. You just need to have experienced the same feelings. So, suppose you have ever felt grief, disappointment, loneliness, anger, shame, joy, happiness, or contentment. In that case, you can empathize with someone experiencing those emotions in their own experience.

Connection does not happen by accident. Connection is more likely to occur when we develop greater skills of connection in life. These skills include asking questions to show interest, listening, emotion matching, asking relational questions, and delighting.

Reflection:

Think of people you might encounter this week. Which of the questions above could you ask to show interest and jumpstart a deeper level of connection?

Where can you increase connection by learning people’s names? Can you improve your connection by learning the names of your next-door neighbors, those who work in the same office building as you, or the other parents at your child’s school?