God Is Pretty Good at Second ChancesSýnishorn

Day 5: Divorced but Not Denied Love:
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?––Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)

On December 31, 1987, I took on a new identity. I was eighteen years old and pregnant with my first child. For the next twenty-one years, eleven months, and twenty-nine days, I was married and known as Raquel Watts. Not all of these years were bad; in fact, there were many, many great years. However, the trials outweighed the good, and my first marriage ended on December 30, 2009.

During my first marriage, I lived life like I saw it. I made sure I took care of my husband and my children. I cared for others when they were in need, but I never stopped to know me. Externally, life was really good at times. Internally, I was a mess. I lived loveless with undisclosed anger, resentment, and envy. I looked for love and attention in the wrong places and with the wrong people. Over the years, anger became my defense mechanism. I slowly drifted away and became emotionally unattached. At that time, I had no idea why I felt detached. That discovery came later. In April 2009, I knew the marriage was finally over, so I began my exit strategy. Little did I know what was waiting for me. . . .

I had gotten married at eighteen years of age, and now, at forty years of age, I found myself alone and in a very dark place. I wanted out of the marriage but wasn’t prepared for the road ahead. So, there I was, divorced and living alone, and the first one and a half years were pure torture. The torture was from within as I battled depression and wondered if life was even worth living.

During this time, I joined a church that saved my life holistically. I was spiritually dead, mentally exhausted, and on the path of physical destruction. St. James United Methodist Church in Alpharetta, GA, became my spiritual hospital. It was here that I re-dedicated my life to Christ, and our relationship took off. It was just me and Jesus. It was here that I took my first Bible study class, “Shattering Strongholds.” Peeling back layers to uncover the root of anger, envy, and detachment had begun, and this was just the beginning.

It was also at St. James where I became naked and unashamed. And it was at that moment of being stripped down that God was able to do a new work in me. A year after the divorce, I went to Kenya on a mission assignment, and that assignment turned my perspective on life “upside right.” Everything I was going through became minuscule. I still battled, but I stayed in the fight. In the years to follow, I began to seek God’s face instead of His hand, I began to see people differently, and I began to know and love myself in a way that I have never experienced. It was in this journey that I discovered self-love.

In the midst of this transformation, I met my now husband, Tim, in 2014. We met on a dating website. We sure did!!! And we talked for two weeks before we met face-to-face. Two years before meeting Tim, I had written, “God, this is what I want in my mate” letter. That letter was short-lived because while I was on a spiritual retreat, the Holy Spirit instructed me to throw the letter out. He asked me, “Do you actually think your creation is better than my creation?” Wowsers!! When I got home from that retreat, I balled up the letter and threw it in the trash.

Now, when I first saw Tim, my mind went to that letter I had written. I thought, “he’s dark and handsome, but he’s not tall. . . . two out of three ain’t bad.” LOL!! The next two years involved a lot of discovery about each other while we continued to heal from our first marriages. I had been divorced for five years, and Tim had been divorced for four years. We were both still healing while at the same time open to a new relationship.

True story. There was a time in our courtship when we split up for about six months. Neither of us was ready to take the relationship further, so we called it quits . . . or so we thought. I had really grown fond of Tim, and I missed his friendship. I found out that one of his pastors was coming to my church to preach. So, I went fishing. I texted Tim and told him his pastor was scheduled to preach at my church at the upcoming Wednesday night service. He took the bait, and I reeled him in. We continued dating, and our relationship grew stronger. We got engaged on May 12, 2018, and on March 23, 2019, we were introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Timothy Copeland.

Despite my many mess-ups in my first marriage, God granted me the desires of my heart: to marry a godly man. Not a perfect man, but a man who loved God. A man with a servant’s heart. But you need to know this came at a cost. I had to die to my internal barriers. I had to reconcile with God, forgive my first husband, and forgive myself. None of which was easy to do. I had to let go of the past and open my hand to the future. I had to face all my ugliness and work on myself before I could offer my authentic self to anyone. I had to grow in patience, kindness, and love.

If you are considering remarriage, be aware of the stumbling blocks in your past and your present. Be aware of external barriers and, most importantly, your internal barriers. Deal with your baggage!! Allow God to transform your good, your bad, and your ugly because, in all things, He works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (see Romans 8:28). When you find yourself contemplating a second marriage, (or even your first marriage), know that with patience, understanding, communication, hard work, and love, you can walk into your new beginning!

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.—1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)

What have you learned from your past marriage and divorce? Reflect on the lessons and insights gained from your previous relationship to inform your approach to future relationships. Have you given yourself enough time to heal emotionally from the divorce? Ensure that you've allowed yourself the necessary time and space to process emotions and move forward. Navigating love after a divorce is a personal journey that requires self-reflection, healing, and open communication. Take the time you need to understand your own needs and desires before embarking on a new relationship.