Love, Intimacy and Sex in the Second Half of Marriage: Part 1 - LOVESýnishorn

Love is Leading

I think figuring out what “love” means in our culture could be very confusing. But love in the second half of marriage does not need to be. Through this plan, we will look at four ways Scripture informs us of the way we love in the second half of marriage.

Today let’s start with the quality of leadership.

The Bible does not say a husband is to be the leader in the first half of marriage, and then he gets to retire from that role. We don’t get to quit leading. Jesus was pretty clear when He said, “Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave. That is what the Son of Man has done: He came to serve, not be served—and then to give away his life in exchange for the many who are held hostage.” (Matthew 20:26-28, The Message)

Jesus modeled servant leadership, and he calls us to do the same as husbands. For both spouses, it goes back to serving our spouse and being unselfish.

What does it look like to lead in the second half of your marriage? What a wife needs from her husband as a leader today is not much different from what she needed on day one of marriage.

Here is my take on what a wife needs:

• A sense of safety and security
• To know her husband will protect her, watch over her, and keep her from harm
• To know her husband would never knowingly hurt her

I haven’t always done this well. I had to learn through trial and error what each of those meant to Nancy. What made her feel safe and secure? How could I best protect her and what did she need protection from? Was I doing anything that was hurting her, even if I didn’t mean to?

That was a tough one for me. Sometimes I had no idea that I had hurt her. I hadn’t meant to. When that happened, my standard response was, “That shouldn’t hurt you.” If I did not intend harm, how could she take it as harmful? The instructions from Philippians 2:3-4 help us here: We love well when we value our spouse and their interests above our own.

I had to grow to accept that if it hurt her, it hurt her, no matter my intent. And it had to stop!

Here are four steps to get you on the right track:

1. If you have ever hurt your wife in any way, even if it was unintentional, tell her you are sorry and that from today on you will never knowingly hurt her again.
2. Ask her what you can do to help her feel protected and cared for. Then do it.
3. Ask her about her fears and then together lay those at the feet of God in prayer.
4. Pray and ask God to show you daily how to be a courageous and selfless leader in your marriage.

I think we often make leading a lot more difficult than it is. I want to trust God’s way in this, not my own (Proverbs 3:5-6). I want to follow His lead. If I get all the junk, like pride and selfishness, out of the way, then serving my wife is pretty easy.

Things To Think About

Husbands:

• What are your leadership struggles in your marriage?
• What stands in the way of you being the leader God created you to be?
• Which of the four steps to get on track will you begin doing?

Wives:

• Do you feel a sense of safety and security with your husband?
• What would help to grow that?
• Share honestly with him how his leadership impacts you.