Re-Assembly RequiredSýnishorn

Reassembly Decision #1: I will get back to, not at.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, when a relationship breaks, give me the wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it. Show me how to get past the hurt—and my pride—and make the first move toward reconciliation. Thank you for making the first move to reconcile with me.

Reading

When it comes to reassembling relationships, we’re usually at a loss. Yesterday, we looked at the tools we tend to reach for first when a relationship isn’t going well. Remember the C4 Approach to Relationship Management?

Convince

Convict

Coerce

Control

What’s your go-to? Do you try to convince someone to see things your way if you provide enough information? Do you convict, playing the shame-and-blame game? Do you coerce, applying pressure to force someone to do what you want? Or do you control, trying to direct someone’s behavior to get what you want? What’s your manipulation tactic of choice, or do you use a combination of two or more?

All four of these Cs have something in common: The person on the receiving end feels rejected. Rejection closes hearts and weakens relationships.

Most want strong relationships. We long to reconcile with friends and family when there’s a strain; we don’t like the tension. Broken relationships take a toll on our mental, emotional, and even physical health. We’re only as happy as our core relationships are healthy. No counselor would say, “Your issues stem from your healthy relationships with your parents and siblings.”

It doesn’t seem like it should be hard to repair a relationship, but it is because it’s a learned skill. Nobody has to teach us how to use the four Cs; they’re second nature, and they always make things worse. The temptation is to simply say, Okay, I’m not going to use those tools.

A decision not to do something is not enough to get something done. Reassembling a relationship requires four proactive decisions. Today we’re going to talk about the first decision we can make to pave the way toward reconciliation:

I will get back to, not back at.

According to the apostle Paul, we are to have the mindset of Jesus about relationships.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. (Philippians 2:5)

Jesus was the offended party but made the first move to reconcile with us. Adopting his mindset requires us to accept that reassembly begins with us, regardless of who initiated the fuss.

This applies even when the fuss is fully the other person’s fault. This is where we tap the brakes. This is when we tell our story and ask for a pass. We decide we’ll wait on the offending party. But did you know that waiting on them is a subtle way of getting back at them?

Consider the apostle Paul’s take on embracing the mindset of Christ regarding relationships.

Love must be sincere. (Romans 12:9)

That means no faking or wearing painted-on smiles. The goal is to get to where we see the other person how our heavenly Father sees them. Until you do, it’s impossible to love sincerely.

Paul then introduces another relationship principle.

Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. (Romans 12:9)

Reallocate your hate. What if you decided to hate a what instead of a who? What if you chose to hate what happened instead of a person? You’ll find it easier to see the good in them if you reallocate your hate.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)

When you choose to honor someone, you put them first and your ego second.

Verse 14 is so hard…

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. (Romans 12:14)

To “bless” in this context means to speak well of someone to others. Don’t go around sharing with anyone who will listen to the story of how you’ve been wronged. Don’t talk about the person you’re having an issue with in the not-so-flattering way they may be talking about you. Bless them. Paul asks this of Jesus’ followers, and it might seem like a tall order, but when you “bless those who persecute you,” you’re adopting the mindset of Jesus—a mindset that benefits you.

Paul then says,

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)

When someone who has hurt you is sad, do you ever feel a little bit - happy? Paul would say you have work to do.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud… (Romans 12:16)

Pride fuels the four Cs, which is an attempt to prove that you’re right and the other person is wrong. Pride always gets in the way of reconciliation.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. (Romans 12:17)

Repayment is about getting even. It’s human nature to want to get back at someone, but it’s God’s will to get back to. That’s what your Father did for you. God so loved the world; he moved in our direction. Not to get back at us, but to get back to us.

That’s what love requires of us.

If someone comes to mind and you’ve got your arms crossed and tempted to forgive from afar and wait, here’s a prayer God would love to answer:

Heavenly Father, help me see (fill in the person’s name) the way you do. Help me feel toward them the way you feel.

God’s not mad at the person who offended you. Sin breaks God’s heart because sin breaks people—and relationships. So pray, Help me see them the way you see them. Nothing may change in the relationship, but something extraordinary will change in you.

This is what our Father has invited us into. So, will you decide… I will get back to, not get back at?

Reflection

If you had to fill in the blank, whose name would you put inside this prayer?

Heavenly Father, help me see ____________ the way you do. Help me feel toward ____________ the way you feel.

Is it time for you to begin paving the way to reconciliation with this person, just as your heavenly Father did for you?