God Is Your Defender: Learning to Stand After Life Has Knocked You DownSýnishorn

The Quicksand of Self-Destruction

It wasn’t long into my childhood that I first stumbled into my own quicksand of sorts. After experiencing sexual abuse beginning at the age of eight, I was filled with resentment and hate. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what had happened to me. I stuffed resentment down into the core of myself, storing it up, and that resentment and fury and anger began to grow. I responded by wearing baggy clothes and gaining weight. At 12 years old this seemed like the answer. I could exact some revenge on my abuser by turning into someone who seemed to disgust him. But it was also self-destructive as I became addicted to eating.

I already felt unworthy and dirty because of the abuse I had suffered. Now I despised the way I looked and my lack of control when it came to eating. Even more important, I was compromising my health. I decided to dramatically lose weight. With the weight gain, I was trying to get back at my abuser, to make him question why he had ever targeted me. With the weight loss, I was trying to get back at him again, to prove that a good guy, that guys in general, would want what he had tried to ruin. But I was hurting myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

By the age of 15 I was looking better, and then I was assaulted again by a date. After that night, he considered me his girlfriend and pursued me. At that point, I thought, What does it matter? At least he wants me. When I look back on my thought process, it seems incredibly sad. As the years went by my risky behavior increased. I hated what I was doing. Yet I seemed powerless to stop it. My attempts to get back at my original abuser had led me to the quicksand of self-destructive behavior.

God’s mercy is incredible to me. It is sufficient to cover and heal the things we’ve done in an effort to get back at those who have hurt us. Part of the way we experience God’s mercy is to do something that is hard for us: receive it. I finally began making my way back to God. I slowly began digging back into his Word. With baby steps, I started to pray with more consistency and faith. I was able to work with a great counselor. It was a process, it was hard, and it took me a long time to come to a deeper understanding of why I had acted out the way I had. 

Now, as an adult, I’m still working on it, catching myself when I tend to isolate and lower the risk of rejection. The good news is we can get better. We can identify the ways that our hurts and our pursuits of revenge have cost us in the past, and we can challenge ourselves to press on. I can walk as a daughter of God. God’s grace is sufficient for me and for you (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). It is enough to carry us, enough to let us live better. 

When God acts as our Defender, it ultimately leads to good for us. When we act as our own defenders, doing it our own way, it can lead to even deeper hurt and destruction in our lives.

Respond

How have you seen acting as your own defender, doing it your own way, lead to hurt and self-destruction? Who else has been hurt along the way?

How does God’s mercy help you experience healing? What does his mercy tell you about his love for you?

How does seeing God as your Defender and yourself as a child of God help you move toward emotional, spiritual, and physical health?