The Pre-Marriage CourseSýnishorn

Conflict

Expecting conflict

Conflict is inevitable in every relationship.

The issue isn’t whether we’ll disagree; the issue is how we deal with those disagreements. The really important thing for every couple is to have the tools and skills to resolve conflict constructively.

Managing anger

Anger is not wrong in itself; it is how we display our anger that can be harmful in a relationship.

Two animals help to illustrate two inappropriate and unhelpful ways of managing our anger:

• Rhinos: let you know they’re angry right away -- they go on the attack
• Hedgehogs: tend to hide their anger -- they’re likely to become quieter and may withdraw

Both rhinos and hedgehogs have to learn to express what they are upset about verbally and calmly.

Looking for solutions together

When you have a disagreement:

• recognise that in marriage really you’re on the same side
• look for a solution together that will be good for your relationship
• be ready to press the ‘pause button’ when necessary (ask yourselves: ‘Is this a good time?’ and ‘Is this a good place to be airing this disagreement?’)

Five steps to finding a solution

1. Identify and focus on the issue causing conflict.
   Take the issue that is causing conflict from between you. Put it out in front of you and work on it together.
2. Use ‘I’ statements
   Avoid labeling (for example: ‘You always…’ / ‘You never…’). Describe your feelings (for example: ‘I feel upset by…’).
3. Listen to each other
   Try to understand and value each other’s perspective. Take it in turns to talk.
4. Brainstorm possible solutions
   Talk about different possibilities. It may help to write a list.
5. Choose the best solution for now and review later
   If the solution you try doesn’t work, try another one from your list. If you can’t find a solution together, ask for help.

Process for healing hurt

Hurt is inevitable in every marriage, and this hurt must be healed if our relationship is to flourish.

There is a simple but powerful process for healing:

1. Talk about the hurt
   Tell your partner when they have upset you. Don’t hold on to hurt or allow self-pity and resentment to build up inside you. 
2. Say sorry
   Our pride can make it hard for us to say sorry. Apologising means taking responsibility for our wrong words or actions. Saying sorry opens the way for reconciliation.
3. Forgive
   Forgiveness is the greatest force for healing in a marriage. 

Forgiveness is NOT:

• forgetting the hurt happened
• pretending it doesn’t matter
• failing to confront our partner’s wrong and hurtful behaviour

Forgiveness IS:

• facing the wrong done to us
• recognising the emotions inside
• choosing not to hold the offence against our partner
• giving up our self-pity and desire for revenge

Forgiveness is first and foremost a choice, not a feeling.

• forgiveness is a process -- we often need to keep on choosing to forgive (sometimes on a daily basis). As we do so, gradually the memories of the hurt hold less and less power over us.