Our Keys to Healthier Communication in MarriageSýnishorn

LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND, NOT TO RESPOND

David: Husbands, the more we listen with our hearts and not our heads, the more likely we are to win our spouse over instead of pushing her away. It’s taken me some time to figure this out because I am competitive by nature. Sometimes, when I argue with Tam, I still cut her off mid-sentence to finish my point, but that’s not a healthy way to argue. The goal of any argument is to listen to understand, and not listen to respond. If Tam is talking to me, I have to discipline myself to let her finish. It’s much easier said than done, because in heated discussions we tend to want to be understood first before we work to understanding. But arguing with your spouse isn’t about being right. It’s about recognizing where you are wrong.

I could’ve done many things differently that night, but now that I have become more attuned to Tam’s needs, I see arguments as a gift. They give me a chance to gain a better understanding of who she is and how she is wired. When I recognized that my words could pierce her heart and my sharp snapbacks could hurt her feelings, my commitment to listening changed. I heard what Tam was saying, and I heard what she wasn’t saying. Arguments allow me to see what frustrates her and what upsets her, and they give me an inside look into her heart. When I listen attentively and purposefully, I learn her triggers, and she learns mine. I learn her limits, and she learns mine. Arguing in a healthy manner helps me love her the way Christ loves me. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  When you argue, do you listen to understand or listen to respond?

2.  What are three ways to show you are listening to understand?