Man In CrisisSýnishorn

Don't Promise - Be

 

The great temptation is to start promising anything to get her back, to win her heart. It probably won’t work. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be the right thing to promise something that hasn’t happened yet. 

She’s rejecting the "you" she knows, and she doesn’t believe you can be anything else. To promise and take the risk of not fulfilling the promise would only support her belief. She’s watched you be the same guy for years, make promises to change, and there you are - still you. 

So don’t promise. Don’t tell your wife you’ll change. Don’t tell her you’ll stop doing this or that or will  start doing this or that. It’s desperate, dishonest, and not manly. It’s a sign you’re panicking - go back to step one. 

Instead, BE. Be the man you should be. Promises, words, are empty. Actions, emotions, the connection is real. Not the efforts you’ve always done that she now sees as abrasive, but something new, sincere, sensitive. What? You don’t feel sensitive, emotional? You will. 

You start feeling the same pain she has been feeling all these years. The pain of trying to connect, only to find rejection. The pain of being blamed for things you haven’t done. The shock of being told you make her sick. Once you start feeling these, you will already be changing inside. The challenge is to deal honorably with the change. To let it make you a new man. Don’t fight it and turn it back on her, feel it! 

This pain will help make you into the man you were always supposed to be. Walking through it without buckling is difficult. You will have to have some tools. Tools that help you obey, here are three: 

Watch Your Self-Talk. Verses like the one we opened this lesson should be your constant friends. You have to speak them to yourself. You have to hear them to regain the strength you’ll need. Find other verses that give you courage. Write them on cards or put them in reminders that pop up on your phone. Keep saying them to yourself until the weakness passes and you can stand like a man.

Watch how you talk to others. Bite your tongue instead of defending yourself. Swallow your pride and take the abuse. Forget making promises. Stop asking for grace. Don’t demand she act differently. Make sure you don’t take your frustration out on her or anyone else. "'Let your speech always be gracious..."

Find Strong Friends. Find good, Godly men who will speak truth to you. You don’t need ‘yes’ men and sympathetic ears. You need men who know the truth and are forceful with it. Not that they are not compassionate - they won’t hear your whining without letting you know how to deal with it. They should be great listeners but also wise enough to discern the real issues. 

Challenge: Read and Meditate on Isaiah 53:3-12. Feel God’s pain here. Remind yourself of just how much Jesus suffered. Then get busy with the three suggestions above. Get your self-talk and others-talk under control. If you don’t have sound, Godly male friends, ask God to show them to you as you seek them out.