Help For A Hurting MarriageSýnishorn

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Can You Forgive without an Apology? 

Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly with the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus: “If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:15). Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, “You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you.” 

Such an interpretation of Jesus’ teaching fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins (1 John 1:9). Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins. 

When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus’ teaching is that we are to be always willing to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not what the Scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus expressed His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God (Acts 2:22–24, 40–41). 

Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. Such forgiveness does not lead to reconciliation. When there is no apology, the Christian is encouraged to release the person to God for justice and to release one’s anger to God through forbearance (Rom. 12:19). 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great theologian who was martyred by the Nazis in a concentration camp in 1945, argued against the “preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance.” He referred to such forgiveness in The Cost of Discipleship as “cheap grace . . . which amounts to the justification of sin without the justification of the repentant sinner.”

Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time. If the relationship was warm and intimate before the offense, it can become loving again. If the relationship was simply one of casual acquaintance, it may grow to a deeper level through the dynamic process of forgiveness. If the offense was created by an unknown person such as a rapist or a murderer, there was no relationship to be restored. If they have apologized and you have forgiven, each of you is free to go on living your lives, although in a criminal matter, the offender will still face the judicial system created by the culture to deal with the behavior. 

When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who was offended. Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. Then we can continue to build the relationship. Without apology, the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality of the relationship is diminished. Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile. 

REACT: How and when does God forgive? How can willingness to forgive without an apology benefit the forgiver rather than the offender? Can you think of an example from your own life? Why must “a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile” be a mark of a good relationship?