Help For A Hurting MarriageSýnishorn

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Two Ways to Apologize: Expressing Regret / Accepting Responsibility

Karen and Jim have been married for twenty-seven years. When I asked her, “What do you look for in an apology when Jim has wronged you?” her immediate response was, “Most of all I want him to understand how he hurt me and why. I want him to see things from my perspective. I expect to hear him say, ‘I apologize. I am really sorry.’” 

Karen went on to relay an incident for which Jim apologized. Karen said, “Jim told me how sorry he was. He regretted what he had done and wished he had never done it. I knew he was sincere when I saw tears come to his eyes.” For Karen, the heart of an apology is a sincere expression of regret. 

Robert and Katie have been married for seven years. When I asked him, ‘How do you know that Katie is sincere when she apologizes?” his answer was, “Eye contact. If she looks me in the eye and says ‘I’m sorry,’ I know she’s sincere. If she says, ‘I’m sorry’ while passing through the room, I know she’s hiding something. A hug and a kiss lets me know she’s sincere.”

For some, the heart of a sincere apology is a sincere expression of regret. For others, body language can speak louder than our spoken language. 

An apology has more impact when it’s specific. LuAnn captured this idea when she said, “I expect the apologizer to say ‘I’m sorry for ____.’” When we’re specific, we communicate to the offended person that we truly understand how much we have hurt him or her. Specificity places the focus on our action and how it affected the other person. 

Why is it so difficult for some of us to say, “I was wrong”? Often our reluctance to admit wrongdoing is tied to our sense of self-worth. To admit that we are wrong is perceived as weakness. We may reason, “Only losers confess. Intelligent people try to show that their actions were justified.” 

The seeds of this self-justifying tendency are often planted in childhood. When a child is excessively punished, condemned or shamed for minor offenses, the sense of self-worth is diminished. Subconsciously, the child makes the emotional link between wrong behavior and low self-worth. Thus, to admit wrong is to be “bad.” The child who grows up with this emotional pattern will have difficulty admitting wrongdoing as an adult because to do so strikes at his or her self-esteem. 

The good news is that as adults we can understand these negative emotional patterns and yet not be imprisoned by them. The reality is that all of us are sinners; there are no perfect adults. Mature adults learn how to break the harmful patterns of childhood and accept responsibility for their own failures. The immature adult is forever rationalizing his own bad behavior. Mature adults learn to accept responsibility for their behavior, whereas immature adults continue with childish fantasies and tend to blame others for their mistakes. 

Alyssa is twenty-seven. While growing up, here dad told her that a wise person is willing to accept responsibility for his or her mistakes. “I’ll never forget what he said: ‘All of us make mistakes, but the only mistake that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.’

“I remember when I was young and would do something against the rules, he would look at me and ask, ‘Do you have something you’d like to say?’ He would smile and I would say, ‘I made a mistake. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?’ He would give me a hug and say, ‘You are forgiven.’

“Admitting my mistakes is a part of who I am, and I owe it to my father.”

Michael, twenty-four, never heard his father apologize to his mother or to him. At eighteen he left home and has never returned to visit. “In the community, my father was recognized as a successful man,” he explained, “but in my mind he was a hypocrite. I guess that’s why I have always been quick to apologize, willing to admit my failures. I want my relationships to be real, and I know that can’t happen if I’m not willing to admit I was wrong.”

REACT: Have you ever hurt someone without realizing it? What did you do when you became aware that you had hurt someone? 

Name a few of the most outrageous excuses you have heard people claim for refusing to admit wrong. Why do you think some people have such a difficult time admitting a wrongful act?