Smart Love Seeks a Good Match

We’ve all heard it: Opposites attract. But is it true? Hardly. In reality, opposites seldom attract, and if they do they often ­don’t stay attracted.

The old “birds of a feather” thing may sound trite, but it’s the truth. Close relationships are more likely to form and endure with someone who shares your ideas, values, and desires, a person who likes the same music, the same activities, even the same foods. For good reason the prophet Amos wondered, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”

How do you know if you have a lot in common? It takes time. And it ­doesn’t hurt to withhold premature judgments. We have a friend who says she dates “like Margaret Mead.” On a promising date she brings along her anthropological, oh-­isn’t-that-interesting self, observing and recording differences “as if the guy were an alien species.”

By considering the first few dates as an expedition, she’s learned to listen more and react less. And it pays off. She ­doesn’t jump to critical conclusions because he ­isn’t willing to try Thai food or has a different political view from hers. Over time, she patiently sifts through the dating data to discover whether she and her date is a good match on the things that matter most.

The prophet, Samuel, was reminded of the power that comes from considering more than simple attractiveness to select the right person.

King Saul had all the obvious preferences of the people - he was tall, strong, attractive, with plenty of charisma. But he wasn’t obedient to God, and God sent Samuel to find a new king that would lead with God’s vision for His people.

This is what God said to Samuel about who He was looking for:

...For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

While attractiveness draws us to something we might think is God’s best, we have to consider other factors about a person to know if it truly is.

Differences emerge in any close relationship, of course. But smart love knows that for a fighting chance the relationship must be built on common ground. In one famous study of more than three hundred dating ­couples in Boston, those who eventually broke up were less well-matched in age, educational ambitions, intelligence, and physical attractiveness than those who stayed together.

Study after study has found little support for the “opposites attract” idea. Instead, the happiest ­couples are those with lots of similarities. To paraphrase Henry Ward Beecher, “A well-matched couple is winged, an ill-matched ­couple is shackled.”

Today, ask God to help identify the things you value that will help you know if someone you date aligns with who you are, based on how He’s created and designed you.