Grounded Wife: Simple Truths to Honor God in Your MarriagePrimjer

Three years into our marriage, Stephen had a brief affair with a coworker. The road to healing was long and the work was hard—I’m not even gonna try and sugar coat it. However, our marriage’s restoration rests entirely with God. We wouldn’t be where we are today, and we won’t be wherever God leads us in the future without Him.

Yet, years after the affair had taken place, I found myself still making choices from a place of hurt or anticipation of more hurt. And that space is where I started keeping score and acting as if it hadn’t been for me, we wouldn’t exist.

Even writing those words makes me have a knot in my stomach. How arrogant of me to even think I was the saving grace in our marriage, let alone keep score and throw it around like some badge of honor.

Gross. But that’s what I did.

Anytime we’d get into a big fight, I’d like to proudly remind him that if it weren’t for me being so forgiving and long-suffering, we wouldn’t be married. I would list off all the many ways I held us together when things would start to fall apart. If we were sharing our testimony with others, of course, I’d give God all the glory, but internally, I kept tally and gave myself a trophy.

But here's the thing, the scorecard grew longer and longer. I started keeping score of all the things I did for our family, not just our marriage. The laundry, homeschooling, cleaning, diapers, meals, disciplining, grocery shopping, dishes. You name it, I counted it. And I let him know it whenever we started to argue or whenever I felt like I wasn’t appreciated. It was a dangerous and demeaning space for me to live in, and it was very damaging to our marriage.

Scorekeeping is not only demeaning in marriage, but also against God’s design. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 tells us, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.”

You see, keeping score is sharp and cutting. It keeps us tangled in a false sense of reality. And it will choke the life out of any growth taking place in our life and our marriage. The only kind of record we should be keeping in our marriage is the one where God gets all the glory because we are nothing without Him.

“Other seeds fell among thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants.” Matthew 13:7

We are very tender beings and that includes our husbands. Part of our assignment as wives is to love them with the care and gentleness of Jesus. But try as we may, we cannot do this in our own strength and ability alone. We must depend on Jesus for help.

Without the power of the Holy Spirit working through us, we will quickly become frustrated and revert back to our old ways. And keeping score only perpetuates the lie in our minds that we hold it all together. When in fact, we know there’s only One who holds all things together. Until we rightly put ourselves where we belong in our marriage (God first, spouse second, us third), we will continually keep a record.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the truth of Your Word that pierces through the hardest and darkest of places. I confess that I’ve been keeping score and I can see now how damaging and harsh it is. It is the opposite of who You are and I want to only bear Your image. Help me to rip up the scorecard and give me a gentleness and humility that can only come from You. I only want to give You glory because You deserve it all. I love You, Lord. Amen.