Guilt and Toxic Shame

Hiding trauma or their response to it will cause leaders to live with an immense amount of guilt and shame. You may think you have successfully kept things neatly tucked in your past, at least well enough to keep on keeping on, but they’re leaking into your present, whether you’re aware of it or not.

Regardless of our stories, shame seems to find its way into the crevices of our lives.

Sometimes we confuse shame with the guilt we feel over our hidden lives. Shame and guilt are two completely different things. Shame is one of Satan’s greatest weapons to attack our identity and tear down God’s most treasured creation—us. Instead of the voice that says, "That was a bad choice I made. What do I need to do to correct it?", shame sounds like, "You are bad, and you’ll never learn."

Many lessons can be pulled from the stories of King Saul and King David, their clearly different heart responses to sin, and the outcomes of their lives. Saul became the first anointed king of Israel because the Israelites clamored for a king like other nations.

Saul received God’s blessing and favor, but as time went on, he relied more on himself and directly disobeyed God’s instructions. Rather than grieving over his sin, Saul desperately tried to control his narrative and others’ perception of him. He was unwilling to accept the cost of his choices and shed pseudo-repentant tears over being caught —but then continued to manipulate outcomes. Saul was not well in his mind or heart after years of leading in his own strength while pretending to be dependent on God. Because Saul refused grace, God removed His blessing from him and raised up another leader, David (see 1 Sam. 8–31).

King David knew the reality of having it all (a heart after God, anointed power, wealth, and influence) and then crashing. David lusted, committed adultery, and then it covered up a murder. David continued praising and worshipping God in public while hiding the treachery he had been committing. Because God loved David, He pursued him. When God’s prophet, Nathan, confronted him to bring his sin into the light, David did what he had done a thousand times—he humbled himself before almighty God (see 2 Sam. 11–12). David’s psalms display this authentic humility. Particularly in Psalm 51, we see his brokenness, his confession, his submission, and his cries for mercy and for the restoration of his relationship with God.

Although God forgave David and loved him and Bathsheba, He did not withhold the consequences of sin.

Once leaders taste the peace that comes from trusting God and others to protect them, rather than relying on their own maladaptive coping strategies, they experience God’s provision for themselves and their loved ones.

The longer we hide, the more devastating the consequences. Submitting to the provision of God and others—through confession and repentance—often doesn’t remove the practical consequences of our decision to sin. It does, however, bring about an internal peace with God that cannot be overvalued. When we bring what is hidden into the light and find we are still loved, shame has no oxygen to survive.

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Did you enjoy this plan? You can learn more about Shrinking the Integrity Gap: Between What Leaders Preach and Live by Jeff and Terra Mattson, and sign up to get more free resources from David C Cook here.