Making Marriage Meaningful Through Conflict Resolution Exemple

Welcome back for day three of our study. Today we will be talking about how to fight fair with our spouse.

Fair Fighting Part I:

My husband and I try to look at conflict not from winning or losing, but more from the angle of problem solving. This perspective helps us work as a team. This mindset promotes unity instead of division.

Here are a few ways to fight fair:

Meekness:

In the four Gospel accounts, the only two autobiographical descriptions Jesus uses of Himself are lowly (humble) and meek. If the Savior of the world values these attributes then we would be faithful to walk in His example. Any disagreements can quickly spiral out of control when we don’t clothe ourselves in meekness.

This attribute is often one of the most misunderstood fruits of the Spirit. Meekness is the exact opposite of weakness in every imaginable way. It’s strength under control. It’s the ability to slow the tongue and quiet the flood of emotions that can rise up in us. Meekness says to itself, “I surrender my desire to be right, so I can lean into love, forgiveness, and grace.”The Holy Spirit is the only One who can empower that type of strength in a believer. Ask and pray for this spiritual fruit. Our God-centered prayers will be answered by our loving Father in His time.

●Meekness paves the way for discernment.

●Discernment is the road to wisdom.

●Wisdom is knowledge and understanding applied.

Be encouraged to take what you know about your spouse and respond kindly so you can work together to find a solution.

Meditate:

●James 1:26 (CEB): “If those who claim devotion to God don’t control what they say, they mislead themselves. Their devotion is worthless.”

Dirty Fighting

Generalizing or Name Calling:

Generalizing: Have you ever caught yourself saying “you always . . .” or “you never . . .” to your spouse? Those in the habit of using these phrases may not have given it much thought. However, these words can have a profound impact on your spouse. These are classic phrases used in dirty fighting. These carelessly spoken words can leave our spouses feeling like they’ve been given no wiggle room to improve. Please understand words like these can slowly chip away at our spouse’s desire to do better. It can be particularly discouraging to a partner who is earnestly trying to make positive strides or is in the process of breaking a pattern.

Name Calling: Goodness, this may seem like such an obvious warning. However, we’re fallen creatures and this can happen in the heat of the moment. The tongue is a flame of fire. Its destructive power can set your whole life on fire (James 3:6). Who hasn’t been burned by someone’s words before? We all know how that feels. Let’s refrain from hurting our spouses. It can instantly diminish trust, and puts them on the defensive. We want to be mindful to address behavior not berate our spouse’s character. For example, we can say, “When you act like this ________ (behavior), it makes me feel_____.” We can strive to be intentional when we speak, remembering our statements can either belittle or build up our loved one.

Stonewalling:

You may not be familiar with this term; however, if you’ve been on the receiving end of stonewalling you know how extremely painful it can be. Stonewalling is completely refusing to discuss a concern with your spouse. Please know leaving important issues unresolved is deadly to the unity of marriage. Waiting for the right time for a discussion and avoiding the subject are very different. Avoidance is unloving and disrespectful. Typically, this tactic is employed because the conflict avoider is not willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the greater good of the relationship. Stubborn silence can be poisonous to a marriage. Nothing erodes the foundation of marriage quicker than stonewalling. Acting as if nothing has happened after an argument is toxic, highly immature, and can destroy intimacy. Problems don’t just go away on their own. God desires us to restore brokenness in our relationships with others. Avoiding the issues at hand and stuffing them down to avoid confrontation doesn’t glorify God. If you’re the spouse that takes longer to process, please let your partner know you need a time-out. Assure them they’ve been heard and you need time to think. Agree to discuss the issue at a later date. Be specific. For example, you can say, “I would like to talk about this again tomorrow evening once I’ve given it more thought.”

Meditate:

●Proverbs 15:28 (NASB): “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”