The New Loneliness: Nurturing Connection When You Feel IsolatedNäide

Day 5: The Loneliness of Screens: Returning to Literal Face Time

When you’re by yourself at work, at home, or in the car—with a bit of down time that could be spent on something that feeds your soul or encourages you rather than drags you down—do you ever pick up your phone or device and scroll through your favorite social media platforms hoping to be “in the know” with your connections? And, by looking at others’ highlight reels, do you suddenly feel weighed down more than you did before? The dopamine rush scientists have proven you and I feel when someone likes our social media posts can turn into a depressive crash as we feel inadequate, inferior, and lacking while looking at others’ posts. After all, we naturally compare ourselves to others, and if we’re not feeling like we’re in the lead, we can end up facing the loneliness brought on by what some call a “reel assault.” This assault can bombard us, making us feel lonelier, or causing us to believe no one wants to be around us.

Oh, the sting of it all. And it didn’t happen as often before we became “social” through screens.

As my good friend Pam said recently: “Some people get their social fix by scrolling through social media. But to have meaningful connection, you’ve got to have eyeball-to-eyeball contact with people.”

Becoming a Participant Again

A friend of mine who is a therapist told me she has seen many detrimental effects result from the lack of ongoing, interpersonal relationships with others.

Think about it. We have gradually become spectators of life, rather than participants. We observe others’ lives through their social media posts or videos; we attend “virtual meetings” and observe rather than participate; and we are often more comfortable with the screen than a real live face in front of us. So how can we become the people God intended us to be and start impacting others’ lives again instead of just observing? You can start by taking the initiative to be among others more than screens and practicing your people presence.

Practice Your People Presence

Here are some social skills to keep in mind so that you can be fully present with someone else and give the best of yourself.

Exercise Selflessness

When you are face to face with someone, tune in to what they are saying and going through. Truly listen so you can remember to ask about those things in future conversations. That will show you care about others and not just yourself (Philippians 2:3-4). Some days you may be doing all the listening rather than the talking and vice versa. Friendships involve give and take that will vary each time you get together.

Know Your Limits

Who are the people you can be around who can positively impact you rather than drag you down? Some people can’t handle the “negative Nellies”—those who frequently complain or criticize. Others can’t handle people who always talk about themselves. Personally, I aim to avoid gossips. I’ve learned by now if someone often talks to me about someone else, I can be pretty sure they are often talking to someone else about me. And I don’t need the temptation to join in or the awkward feeling of Do I confront their gossip by calling it out or do I just close my ears to it? Scripture warns us that a gossip separates friends (Proverbs 16:28; 17:9). Be aware of the types of people you need to stay away from so you don’t sink into their mode of thinking or behavior. And make sure you are one who builds up others with your speech during conversations (Ephesians 4:29).

Be Okay with Initiating

Some people are naturally better at initiating. Instead of thinking they’re bugging a friend or making that friend feel obligated, they will continually try to set up get-togethers. Yet I know many people who don’t want to constantly be the ones to initiate. I’ve learned through the years that many who don’t reciprocate when it comes to constant initiation by a friend are sometimes just not initiators in general. Or life got busy. So be confident enough in yourself as a friend to continue initiating and quit keeping score if you really want to get together with someone.

Focus on Quality, Not Quantity

Social media has taught us to play the numbers game and monitor how many friends, likes, and views we receive. But when it comes to true, authentic friendships, it doesn’t matter how many friends we have, but the depth of the friendships. And our friendships often don’t deepen on a device. Take the time to build deeper friendships with a few people rather than trying to keep many friendships that are only screen-deep.

Get in Front of a Face

You may already be trying to limit your screen time. But what if we instead focused on increasing the amount of face-to-face, in-person time we spend with others? Prioritizing weekly (or at least monthly) time for friends, picking up the phone to talk instead of texting (or texting to arrange a time to talk by phone—that works too), and setting up time with those you care about is one way to start. I believe you’ll come away from these encounters feeling enriched and realizing how much you’ve missed by being too intimate with screens.