Day 4: Forgiving Your Spouse

How could I ever fully forgive him? The memories of the anguish I had lived through and the conversations we’d had would pop up in my mind, often unbidden and at the most unwelcome times. These were triggers. Every time I thought I had forgiven and moved on, something else would remind me, and the process seemed like it would have to start all over again.

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.” Colossians 3:12-13 .

I asked God to give me that kind of heart, remembering that I did not want to be a breeding ground for bitterness. "Lord," I repeatedly prayed, "give me a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Please help me bear with him and forgive him. Just as you forgave me, help me to forgive him."

I’m sure that God answered my prayer, but I was often a stumbling block to those answers. I was conflicted about being all those things to someone who had hurt me so badly, even though he had covenanted with me to love and care for me.

It is easy to miss the first part of these verses, which reminds us that we are chosen by God, holy and beloved. Before He asks us to do or be anything, He tells us who we are in Him. We are to forgive as God has forgiven us. We can forgive because God has forgiven us.

Applications:

• Take vacations when possible. No one told me this, but through experience I’ve seen God use every vacation to shed a burden, perspective, or memory weight supernaturally as I pursued my healing. I don't know how He does it, but I do know that He does use these times to help me forgive.
• Keep choosing forgiveness. While it is easy for humans to compare our sins against the sins of others and find theirs to outweigh ours, don't do that. Jesus's prayer was to forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us. Vengeance is the Lord’s. He will repay. The part we get to play, plain and simple, is to choose forgiveness repeatedly over the years until we no longer need to.
• Go to therapy! Find a therapist to help you process and navigate all the feelings, if possible. You may not find the right therapist on your first try, so keep trying until you find the one right for you. Therapists have helped me process grief, loss, anger, dreams, self-esteem, and all the different things that rise to the surface after experiencing marital infidelity. They provide a safe place to discuss the deep things.

When a spouse cheats, they place their partner at a painful crossroads. For Christians, any of the options they choose must also include forgiveness. Whether we stay or leave, forgiveness is not optional for Christians. We are followers of Jesus, and we are grateful for the Holy Spirit's help in this process of forgiving others.