Marriage Goals - Winning in CommunicationSample

The Approach Matters - “On the Defense”

Many times in relationships there is one person that tends to come across as more ‘on the attack’, and the other responds ‘on the defense’. Our human nature desires to be heard and understood, so when either person feels like this isn't happening, a cycle of attacking + defending flares up. How can we stop this unhealthy and toxic communication in our marriage? Well, I hope you are ready for the real answer.

This cycle only ends when one of us decides to humble ourselves and yields the right to be heard first.

This is not easy. Honestly, you probably won't feel like doing it at the moment. Especially when you feel justified in your viewpoint (which if we’re honest, is pretty much all the time). However, when we demonstrate this act of love and submission to one another, we open the door for a breakthrough in our spouse's heart. If we show we are willing to care more about how they feel and truly seek to listen with the intent to understand; the result is an eventual softening on both sides.

Practical Tip: As you hear their concerns or frustrations and validate them by genuinely caring, it will lower their guard and cause them to be more receptive to your point of view AFTER acknowledging theirs.

One way to evaluate if we are ‘on the defense’ is by checking our response tendencies. Ask yourself: “Do I have a pattern of pointing out something they have done, do I often deflect, or blame-shift? Do I wait to take ownership of my wrongdoing until they repent of theirs?”

Humility is the key here. We are supposed to own up to our part before pointing out anything in the other person. The Bible challenges us pretty strongly in this area of our communication.

Matthew 7:5-“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you'll see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. “ Sheeeesh, that's convicting.

Daily Action Step: Take time to really consider if you lean towards a defensive spirit with your spouse and ask God to give you the willingness to yield + a heart that seeks to understand. What might start out as an act of obedience in this area (even with a hard heart) can become one of the greatest steps towards experiencing loving communication in your marriage.