How to Thrive as a Pastor's WifeSample

Day Four: What No One Else Knows, He Knows

Every pastor and pastor’s wife carry battle wounds unknown to even the closest around them. The situations they’ve encountered may be resolved and even be long in the rearview mirror, but scars remain, whether they’re from weathering criticism, navigating division in the body, watching someone they’ve invested in walk away from the faith, or hearing their children describe unrealistic expectations placed upon them.

What do we make of this? When I was new to ministry, encountering these pains was nothing short of shocking. Now I’m not surprised by much of anything, because I know with greater certainty that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12).

I’ve made some terrible mistakes in responding to others when I’ve been hurt. I’ve since learned that I must resolve how I will and won’t respond even before hurt comes. One resolve is the resolve not to disengage my heart.

The gist of Romans 12:14–21 is that we must continue engaging the community of faith, rejecting an unhealthy image of God’s people.

I heard a pastor’s wife say once, “All sheep bite,” referring to the way her husband—the shepherd—was being treated by people in their church. The more I thought about her statement, the more saddened I became for her and her husband. Working from an image of God’s people as angry, biting sheep who only hurt their shepherd negatively affects the way we engage the people God has called us to love. Love believes the best of others (1 Corinthians 13:7).

Do sheep bite sometimes? Yes, just as shepherds sometimes act cruelly or apathetically toward their sheep.

When sheep bite, we reflexively pull back, just as we do when our hand gets too close to fire. We must be careful, however, that we don’t pull back into ourselves and turn our hearts off but rather hide ourselves in the refuge that is God and let him nurse our wounds. Self-protection is what causes our hearts and bodies to clench up.

The only true protection we have is God. We will hurt and be hurt by people, but we have a safe place in God. He’s called our refuge, our protection, our cover, and our shield, so we don’t have to constantly protect ourselves. Because we’re hidden in Him, we’re free to engage others without fear.

When you are misunderstood, in what way do you self-protect? When have you misunderstood others?