The Marriage Talks Part 4 | Making It LastSample

Day 6 | Mark 10:1-12 | What About Divorce?

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Welcome back to The Marriage Talks everyone. Pastor Kris with you again, and today we take on a tough question: What if it doesn’t last? What about… divorce? It’s a controversial subject, as it was in Jesus’ day too. In fact, it was so controversial that some of Jesus’ enemies thought it was the perfect topic to trip Jesus up. Because no matter how He responds, someone’s bound to get angry, and someone’s bound to get hurt. The same is true today, so I’d better be careful.

The question of divorce is much more than a philosophical debate or doctrinal challenge. It is deeply personal, and for many of us, painful as well. I’m familiar. My parents were divorced. I hated it. So did they. It hurt all of us. But isn’t that who Jesus came for? For the hurting? Didn’t he come to bind up our wounds and heal the brokenhearted? We argue over whether or not divorce is a sin, but didn’t Jesus come for sinners?

Well let’s see what he has to say about it. And let’s approach the subject with humility, as we should approach all things in marriage. Listen, I need grace and so do you. We’ve all got scars, so let’s lay down our guns and start in. What follows is an earlier recording of my audio guide to Mark chapter 10. Actually, this is the way we do most of our teaching at Through the Word: Audio guides to walk you through one Bible chapter at a time. This chapter hits today’s topic dead on, so I decided to borrow it. So here’s me from a few years ago with Mark 10 at verse 2.

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Verse 2 opens with some Pharisees testing Jesus by asking Him:

“Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” (Mark 10:2).

Now divorce is messy no matter what direction you come at it. No matter what you answer someone’s not gonna like it. This is basically the question that got John the Baptist beheaded. It’s also the question that split the church of England from Rome. And sure enough, Jesus’ answer to this question is one of the most often used scriptures today to nail divorced Christians as hypocrites. Talk about divorce, and you can expect trouble.

But watch how Jesus responds. Verse 3:

“‘What did Moses command you?’ he replied” (Mark 10:3).

The Pharisees knew the law of course. Moses’ law allowed divorce. But the real argument among rabbis was the grounds for divorce. But Jesus does something interesting. In verse 5:

“'It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,' Jesus replied" (Mark 10:5).

So God allowed divorce because hearts were hard. It was never God’s best plan. But God made rules to deal with real people and real life. Read through the laws on divorce. The aim is to ensure that the ex-wife is cared for. In many cultures, a wife could be dumped with no way to support herself. God protected women, widows, and orphans. That doesn’t mean that God is all good with divorce. It just means that He can deal with it. Understand that God can handle messy.

See this is what I’ve noticed when Christians are called hypocrites for divorce. There are those Christians who give the impression that Christianity is for perfect people. And we point the finger, judge, and cast out anyone who fails our standard. And so people point back, “Well that Christian is divorced. That’s a sin too, Jesus said so. So you are hypocrites!”

Yes. Yes, he did. And yes we are. Or we would be if Christianity were for perfect people.

But it is not. Jesus said that he did not come for the righteous, but for sinners (Luke 5:32). Messy, messed up, abominable sinners. But he didn’t come to leave us in our mess. He came to help us out—to help us get back to the way it was meant to be.

So here on the topic of divorce, before Jesus deals with the messy part, he goes back. Way back, before sin messed it all up. Verse 6:

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:6-9).

Back at the beginning, when God created us, what was the plan? Back when everything was good. In fact, the only not good was loneliness. Marriage is the one only institution that predates sin. And it is good.

Marriage was at the very core of creation. It is not a Christian notion. It is not a human invention, nor a construct of culture or society. God made it.

“God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:6b-8a, Genesis 1:27 & 2:24).

Now Jesus quotes all of that from Genesis. But then he adds his own comments:

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8b).

Two become one. Jesus reminds them that marriage—by its very design—is a unifying. It is a combining that is physical, but much more than physical. And He clarifies that they are no longer two. The two is over. It’s history. You cannot simply separate the two pieces of the puzzle and start over. Something has changed. And in verse 9:

“Therefore what God has joined together…” (Mark 10:9).

Hear that? God joins together. There is a work of God in the marriage vow—in the two becoming one flesh.

“…what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:9).

When we reduce marriage to our human understanding—to human emotions and worldly motives, to physiology & psychology—we lose the sacredness of marriage. God makes two into one. Marriage is holy. And with it, sex is holy. Holy means it is set apart.

So Jesus answered the question, but the disciples aren’t quite clear on it. And in verse 11 Jesus explains:

“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12).

I want to be careful with this verse because it has often been used as a weapon. I also want to be careful not to write it off. I believe that Jesus says what he means.

He says that divorce and remarriage is a form of adultery. It breaks the vow—severs the unity that God formed. That piece of legal paper doesn’t erase the hurt done.

Now before you walk away offended, I want to remind you again that God can handle messy. Divorce, remarriage—messy. Jesus’ words are not condemnation.

In Malachi, God says quite directly:

“I hate divorce” (Malachi 2:16 NASB, NLT, BSB).

He does not say, “I hate divorced people.” He hates divorce because he loves people. He hates it for the same reasons that most divorced people hate divorce—because it’s awful. Specifically, He says it hurts the kids. And it does, I’ve been there.

But does God condemn us? Remember the woman caught in the very act of adultery? What did Jesus say?

“Let the one without sin cast the first stone” (John 8:7 paraphrase).

And when no one did:

“Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more” (John 8:11 NKJV).

Jesus did not come to condemn—we’re already condemned (John 3:17). We already screwed up. Jesus came to forgive, to set us free, so we could go and sin no more.

And remember another woman—at the well. Five marriages, all lost, and now living in sin. And Jesus offers her living water (John 4). Jesus can handle messy.

So what do you do? Going back to God’s original plan is not a simple thing, not without a time machine. Damage has been done. With divorce and remarriage, there is no going back to plan A. But God is bigger than all our sins, and bigger than the messes we make.

If you’re looking to the Bible for an excuse to divorce, you won’t find it. If you want a verse to make your divorce easy, it’s not there. You will find grounds for divorce: if your spouse cheats, if an unbeliever walks away. But nothing that makes it all good.

If, however, you’re looking for help and healing right where you are, you came to the right place.

If you are married, fight to keep your marriage.

If you’re divorced and remarried already, be faithful now.

If your spouse is a physical danger to you, get away, get safe. And report it, it’s a crime.

If your parents are divorced, forgive them. But acknowledge the hurt—something foundational has been broken. And bring your brokenness to God, so that He can make you whole.

When I was a brand-new Christian, I was searching for ways to get my wonderful mom saved. Because I loved her. So I decided that I would try to convict her of the sin of divorce using these verses. It was a well-meaning but cruel mistake. I came to learn that zeal without humility can just be mean.

But I have also come to learn that God is a healer. Only God can take two and make them truly one. And only God can take one that is broken beyond repair and make it whole again.

For Thought & Discussion

Question #1: What is your personal experience with divorce in your own life and family, and how has that impacted the way you see marriage?

Question #2: Jesus took a strong stand on divorce, and yet he also showed unconditional love to the woman at the well who was divorced multiple times. What can we as Christians learn from Jesus on how we deal with divorced people?

Read Mark 10:1-12, John 4:13-26

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.