The Marriage Talks Part 4 | Making It LastSample

Day 2 | Nehemiah 8:10-12 | Joy Keeps You Strong

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Welcome back to The Marriage Talks. Part 4 is all about making it last. Kris Langham with you again, and we left off last time talking about joy. Joy is powerful stuff, and today I want to examine the power of joy to keep your marriage strong. Ecclesiastes 9 says:

“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this (fleeting) life that God has given you under the sun—all your (fleeting) days” (Ecclesiastes 9:9).

God wants us to enjoy life. That doesn’t mean living for pleasure. That’s idolatry. It means enjoying life as God gave it. We’ll come back to that verse tomorrow, but for now, a little story from our early years. Andrea and I had a new house, and I was busy working two jobs to pay for it. We rented a room out to a friend to make ends meet, and with one two-year-old girl, there were four of us in the house. And all of us busy—most of us with work, the two-year-old with mischief. We saved the fun for the evenings, and occasionally cranked up the music for a little living room dance party. Well, one day in the middle of the day we were all busy around the house doing this and that, and out of nowhere music came on. Loud. A little too loud. Who is that…? I peaked out the hallway, saw our roommate. Wasn’t her. We walked down the hall. Wife’s in the kitchen, wasn’t her. We all looked to the living room. There was my girl, all of two years old, with her hand stretching up to the volume knob cranking it up. The song was I Will Survive. Disco classic. Daisy looked at us with that look that says, “Am I getting away with this?” Who could resist? We all stepped onto the dance floor. Well, living room floor. And that became a tradition in our house. We call it random family dance time. Two decades and two more kids later, if someone turns on the tunes and we can spare a moment, we all come out to dance.

Now maybe you don’t dance, but you gotta have fun. In marriage, in a family, having that fun together is crucial. (Though I will say, if you don’t dance, at home with little kids is the best place to try it).

But why is having fun together important? Because joy is an expression of love. Galatians 5 lays out the fruit of the Spirit. As I read it the fruit is singular: love. All the words that follow: “…joy, peace, patience, kindness,” and so on… (Galatians 5:22, ESV), those are all expressions of love, like there’s a colon after the word love. More precisely, they are the ways in which God expresses His love through you. That’s the fruit of the Spirit. God loves your spouse, and when the Holy Spirit fills your heart, He shows that love through your joy, your peace, your patience and kindness towards your spouse.

Now you can debate the syntax of the verse, but love and joy go together, because enjoying life together and enjoying one another communicates love. Laughing together is a love language. Enjoying a friend’s company speaks love. It says I like you. And we even find it in God’s covenant with us! Zephaniah 3:17:

“The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).

Catch that? In his love, he rejoices over you. And Nehemiah 8 reminds us that:

“…the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).

I told you earlier that joy and strength are linked. It is His joy over you that reminds you of your covenant. You feel loved when you know that He enjoys you, and there is safety there. It’s the same way that a little kid feels safe in daddy’s arms when he holds his daughter, when he laughs and smiles over his son.

I heard something fascinating on a podcast recently. The guest was a neurotheologian, studying brain science and theology. Yes, a real thing. And fascinating! He was talking about attachment theory—how our brain makes connections with other people—and he said something simple yet profound: From the time we’re born, we attach most deeply with those who enjoy us. Isn’t that interesting? When a little girl says, “Daddy watch this jump.” When a little boy says, “Mom, listen to my song.” They want more than just applause; they want to be enjoyed. And when they are, they feel loved.

Now your spouse won’t ask for it like your kids do, but they need it just as much. And they will want it from you first.

In a family, as we enjoy each other, we strengthen each other and our bonds together. I told you already about my weird brain and music. The other game my subconscious likes to play is inserting similar sounding words and phrases into songs where they don’t belong. For example, I opened the fridge door one day and saw feta cheese. Sounds like summer breeze. Immediately I began to sing. "Feta cheese, makes me feel fine, blowing through the jasmine in my mind." Now I can’t sing a note, and that was ridiculous. But my son who was only walking by—without flinching—started in on, "Feta Cheese, feta cheese. Feta cheese, feta cheese. Whisper words of wisdom.. Feta cheese."

I know. We are ridiculous. It’s in the DNA. But here’s the thing: We get each other. We enjoy each other. Do we also frustrate and annoy each other at times? Of course we do. We’re human. But the joy we share together keeps us strong enough to endure the trials and frustrations.

Now your family probably doesn’t have the same weird sense of musical humor that we do, but I guarantee you that each of you has things that make you you, and you can all enjoy those. Whether your spouse is funny or musical or clever or culinary or whatever they take pride in, one of the best things you can do for your marriage is genuinely enjoy them. Laugh, applaud, eat, appreciate! Enjoy who they are and all that God made them to be. This is where liking your spouse can be just as important as loving your spouse. Your joy strengthens them and your covenant. I honestly don’t think I would be a teacher today if my wife hadn’t enjoyed my jokes. Before that my friends mostly ridiculed, because that’s what teenage boys do. She enjoyed who I was and got me out of my shell, gave me confidence and freedom to find my voice. In marriage, we do that for each other and we have to keep doing that.

“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love…” (Ecclesiastes 9:9).

“…rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

And to help you work on that, your discussion questions for today.

For Thought & Discussion:

Question #1: Earlier, I said that joy is an expression of love. Do you agree? And how do you think that works?

Question #2: How do enjoying life together and enjoying each other strengthen your marriage? And how can you work on improving that?

As always, speak with grace, listen with humility, and no shaming. And I’ll meet you back here next time.

Read Galatians 5:22, Zephaniah 3:16-17, Nehemiah 8:10-12

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.