Dating and the Single ParentSample

“What? Dad’s Dating?”

Doug had been raising his thirteen-year-old daughter by himself for two years; his ex-wife had walked out on him and Danielle. Two years later Doug lined up his first date. Needless to say, Danielle became very anxious. Before going on the date, Doug was able to reassure his daughter that this was just a first date and didn’t really mean much to him. Still she remained anxious. During the date he received two phone calls, one voicemail, and three text messages. One text read, “I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but I want to tell you something—have fun without me because I’m all by myself now.”

Kid Reactions

Some children are excited for a parent to begin dating, others go into a jealous rage, but nearly all children (including adult children) are concerned to some degree. If a child’s parents are divorced, dating signifies another nail in the coffin of reconciliation. If a parent is widowed, a move into dating could make a child wonder if their deceased parent is being forgotten or didn’t mean as much to the widowed parent as they once thought.

Kid reactions can be confusing. But that’s the point—they are confused. One side of them wants to see you smile again; another side of them is frightened by how life will change if someone new joins the family. But why? What causes the fears?

Essentially children are dealing with loss. Just think about it. Your children have lost contact with extended family members and a parent (after divorce, being with you means not being with the other, and death means losing contact permanently); they have lost control over their lives (e.g., changes in residence and school, loss of friends); and they have lost predictability about the future. Each and every loss creates the fear of more loss, which in turn creates a sensitivity to anything that resembles loss, especially losses that involve parents and family members. Family attachments are highly prized by children under normal circumstances, but after loss, they are golden. When a parent dates, kids feel the shift in the parent’s focus; this ignites a fear of more loss.

So what’s a parent to do? Don’t panic at their various reactions and continually reinforce how much you love them and care about their concerns. Talk, listen, and stay in touch.

Adapted from the book Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

TRY THIS

Make a list of all the changes and losses your child(ren) have experienced. Realize that dating potentially adds another significant loss to the list.