Winsome Conversations in Divisive TimesSample

Words Can Hurt or Heal

When asked what we believe is the most important element of winsome conversations, our response is this: embracing the reality that your words can both hurt or heal. One of the key mistakes we make about communication is thinking it only exists on one level—our content (for example, our arguments, words we use to convince others, the rhetoric we use to explain our view). However, communication theorists understand that the relational level—amount of respect, compassion, and acknowledgment—determines if the content can be received. Paul acknowledges both levels when he exhorts us to “speaking the truth [content] in love [relational]” (Ephesians 4:15 NIV). Sadly, Christians often focus merely on content and ignore the relational implications of what they say.

Utilizing vivid metaphors, the ancient writers who contributed to the book of Proverbs describe the potentially devastating power of words. Reckless words are presented as a piercing sword (12:18). A word, spoken in the wrong way, can “break a bone” (25:15 NIV). A person’s spirit is easily crushed by a “deceitful tongue” (15:4 NLT). In plotting evil, a scoundrel’s speech is “like a scorching fire” (16:27 NIV). Not only can negative words separate close friends (16:28), but a whole city can be disrupted by mockery (29:8). 

The same Jewish writers of Proverbs that warned us of the negative power of words also vividly state their positive influence. Gentle words bring health to a recipient (15:4) much like a “bubbling brook” quenches a person’s thirst (18:4 NLT). “Kind words” are compared to honey that is “sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” (16:24 NLT). 

Before you start any conversation, ask yourself if you seek to hurt or heal as you discuss your differences. May our deepest convictions always be shared by blending truth and love. 

Adapted from Winsome Conviction: Disagreeing Without Dividing the Church. Copyright © 2020 by Tim Muehlhoff and Richard Langer. Used by permission. For more information, please visit https://ivpress.com/winsome-conviction.