Winsome Conversations in Divisive TimesSample

Hear the Feelings, Not Just the Facts

Authentic empathy is essential to successfully navigating conflict. Empathy begins with being willing to hold one’s tongue and let others speak—as James puts it, being “quick to listen” and “slow to speak” (1:19 NIV). 

But merely “listening” is not quite enough. We need to listen with a genuine desire to understand. We need to patiently set aside the rebuttals, challenges, or objections that come to mind. In fact we need to press such things out of our mind and replace them with an overriding desire to truly understand what our conversation partner is saying and how he or she feels about the issue we are discussing. 

To put this simply, we need to listen until we can state what the other person both feels and thinks. For example, suppose John objects to using “Redskins” as a name for a football team. If Tina summarizes John’s viewpoint as, “You think football teams shouldn’t use stereotypes,” she has almost certainly missed his point. Yes, John may object to stereotyping language, but much more is at stake for him. He feels using such language is further harming indigenous people who have already suffered from conquest, forced relocation, and organized efforts to eradicate their native cultures. 

Therefore, Tina would be much closer to the mark if she said, “You feel using names like this further alienates people who have already experienced horrible oppression. You don’t want me to be politically correct; you want me to show some empathy!” This is much closer to capturing both the fact of the matter and the feelings that John brings to the table. 

Once Tina has stated it this way, there is a much better foundation for having a meaningful discussion. The starting point is John’s confidence that she has heard and understood him. Though she may very well disagree with John’s conclusions, it is now much more likely that she will convey her thoughts in a way that John will hear and understand.

Conflicting convictions are almost never simply about propositional beliefs; they are almost always about the values and emotions. The conflicting parties should be able to state what each other believes and why the matter is so important to them.