Day Six: Rejected by Christians, Healed by Jesus

"The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. 'They won't let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.' 'What are you complaining about?' said God. 'They won't let me in either.'" - Brennan Manning

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds believable." - Brennan Manning

Listen to "Sing On" by the Jason Lee McKinney Band to supplement today's reading.

The time in my life when I doubted my beliefs the most by far and had the biggest deconstruction (near demolition) of my faith was, I was unfairly and unjustly kicked out of a Bible study. Essentially, I was disfellowshipped and rejected by my spiritual community. I spent an entire year without any fellowship with other Christians. I was secluded, hurt, and bitter. I doubted not so much God's existence at this time, but I did doubt God's goodness, and I completely deconstructed from thinking God had anything to do with church or Christians. I did have some Christians reach out during this time, but for about a year I became life a beat dog being offered a friendly hand. I did not trust that I would not be beat down more. My faith was damaged. It was not just doubt, but my openness to the world of faith closed.

One of the only things that did not keep it from closing all altogether was that I was introduced to The Ragamuffin Gospel from Brennan Manning. It is not an exaggeration to say that Brennan Manning's work over the years has been medicine to my soul. This alcoholic Franciscan priest spoke to my heart, Brennan spoke of Jesus and reassured me that Jesus was madly and completely in love with me. He did not and would not reject me . . . ever . . . for any reason. Jesus was more disappointed with the actions of those in the Bible study than I was Jesus rejected my excommunication. In a time where I had no friends, no fellowship, Jesus became my friend. I encountered a Jesus who was always on my side, not a Jesus of my own creation but the Jesus who always really was, and is, and is to come. As I began to see Jesus for who he really was, I also began to see myself as the ragamuffin I truly was, broken, bedraggled, and dragged down by my own pride and selfishness.

Slowly, I began to see the other people in the Bible study group the same way. After a while I read this quote --"Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle" --not as those people, but as me. Who was I to accept Jesus' forgiveness and not forgive myself? What gave me the right to be bitter when I had sone so much wrong myself? What gave me the right to play the victim? They were victims too. We are all victims or being human. They were flawed, and frail ragamuffins like me. Once I could see them that way, which is who they always were, and not as the mentors I expected them to be, I began to forgive them.

While I was learning to love myself as Jesus did and love others at the same time, God was leading some of the people in the Bible study toward restoration and forgiveness. There is power in the words I am sorry if you aren't too bitter to let them sink in. Sorry does not deny the pain or perception and the experience of what happened, but it can dramatically reframe your perspective and experiences in the future. This even was incredibly painful and almost fully and permanently deconstructed my faith out of church, but healing did occur. Most of the relationships between myself and those in the Bible study were completely restored and ended up deeper and stronger than before. For that to happen, though, I had to do two things:

1. See myself as the wholly accepted completely loved child of God and friend to Jesus that I was/am, and
2. Understand that the enemy was not those people but a broken world and myself even if I was innocent in this particular situation.

Friends, once I grasped these two truths, there was room for God to do his healing restorative work.

Father, help me to be kind and tender with other Christians. Lord, help me to be kind and tender with myself. Lord, grant me a heart that is as forgiving as your is because of what Jesus did on the cross for sinners. Lord, help me to have confidence in your ability to heal and restore my soul. Lord help me to trust you to heal and restore broken relationships. Lord, thank you that I may walk in the confidence that you are for me. I am yours and nothing can change that. In the name of Jesus. Amen!

This devotion is an excerpt from Dr. Jason Lee McKinney's devotional book, Devotions for Deconstructors, Disciples, and Doubters,and based on his book, Deconstructing a Disciple's Doubt.

The accompanying music comes from Jason Lee McKinney Band's album One Last Thing.