Conflict

Remember how Christ accomplished loving others? That He trusted Himself and everything to God, His Father who judges fairly? And if you will allow Jesus to do so, He will teach you how to live a new way.

We need to remember that quarrels come from within us, as James 4:1-3 explained. So now we are back to our hearts—we are jealous and covet, which leads to envy and anger. I love that the Lord reminds us that the reason we do not have is because we do not ask, or we do ask and do not receive because of wrong motives. It seems to me He always goes back to our hearts. He is always working from the inside out.

How do we deal with our heart issues? I believe Scripture is clear about this. Conflict is going to happen in this life, but there’s a proper way to effectively deal with it. I believe that sometimes the issue at hand just needs to be between our Savior and us. Even then, we must be honest about what has happened and how it made us feel. This should always be the first step, and often I find it can, and should, be the only step.

What do we do if we have to take an issue to the next level? I’ve had a mentor for more than forty years. She helped me with my heart issues. Talking it through to get my heart right has helped me, even when I need to go to the next step, which is specified in Matthew 18:15-17 (in context this passage is instruction for the church, but we adapted it for use in our family life).

The first thing to remember is that verse 15 says, “You have won back your brother” (ampc). If restoration is not your goal, you might want to get your heart right first, before you open your mouth and do more damage to your relationship. My mother used to say to me, “Shelia, it’s not what you said, but how you said it.”

We used Matthew 18 in our home and then taught our sons to do so, as well. If our sons had a problem with one another, we taught them to go to their brother and try to talk it out. If not, then my sons could come get me to help them. When they came to me, my first question was always the same:“Have you talked with your brother about this?” 

If the answer was no, I would send them back to try and talk it through. If the answer was yes, I would then bring both of the boys into the same room to talk. I allowed the person who was offended to speak first. The other child was not allowed to say a word until the offended person was through. 

Next, the other child was allowed to tell me his side of the story. We would then try to work it out. If we could not, we tabled it until their dad got home. Then we would all four go through the same process. 

I remember very few times that we had to bring their father into the conversation.