Help For A Hurting Marriageنموونە

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

 When Anger Is Wrong 

You might be asking, “Why has anger caused so much trouble in the world?”

The answer is as ancient as the garden of Eden. The drama revealed in Genesis 3 featuring Adam and Eve, the serpent, and a fruit tree significantly altered human nature. We now have the tendency to take every good gift of God and distort it into something perverse. The gifts of reason, sexuality, love and so much more have all been perverted.

Anger is no different. The deceiver is still among us, and the scene of Eden is repeated daily. Perverting the divine purpose of anger has been one of Satan’s most successful tactical designs.

The Enemy has used many strategies to twist God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all our anger is of equal value. “If I perceive that I have been wronged, then I have been wronged.” This illusion leads us to conclude that we always have a right to feel angry.

But the fact is that much of our anger is distorted. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, steals our property, lies about our character or in some other way does us wrong. This is the only kind of anger God ever experiences. It is valid anger. 

The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, a bad mood or any number of other things that have nothing to do with any moral transgression. The situation simply has made life inconvenient for us, touched one of our hot spots or happened at a time when we were extremely tired or stressed. I call this distorted anger, not because the emotions are any less intense than those experienced with definitive anger, but because they are the responses to something less than genuine wrongdoing. 

Here are some ways to handle distorted anger:

(1) Tell the other person about your concern and ask to talk about it. I call this “sharing information.” We are not sharing a verdict: “You let me down.” “You disappointed me.” In contrast, “I’m feeling (disappointed, hurt or other emotion) and I need your help” is a statement of information. 

(2) Recognize that you might not have all the facts. Therefore, it is difficult to determine whether our anger is definitive or distorted. Gather information. 

(3) Sometimes when our anger is distorted we cannot simply release it and accept what the other person has done. Often we need to negotiate understanding. For even when the other has done nothing morally wrong, his or her behavior is still painful. You still feel disappointed, frustrated, hurt and angry. You need to understand the person’s actions — and he or she needs to understand your feelings. Express your struggles, then listen to the other person’s response. Be honest. 

(4) In all human relationships, people will find certain behavioral characteristics irritating. For the most part, this anger is distorted in that the other person’s behavior is not morally wrong; he or she has not perpetrated an evil against us. If the relationship is a close one and the person is one with whom we spend a great deal of time, such as in family or vocation, it is sometimes helpful to seek to mitigate these irritations by requesting change. Please notice I say requesting, not demanding or manipulating. None of us responds well to these approaches. 

REACT: How would you explain the difference between valid (definitive) and distorted anger?