"Trying Again" After Miscarriage & Pregnancy Lossনমুনা

Day I: When The Past Stifles Your Hope

I've always tried my best to trust God with everything in my life. Even the tiny things. Whether it was a solution to a minor health problem or even a job interview, I always felt I could depend on Him to help me and eventually answer my prayer.

However, one week, I found myself saying out loud, "I don't trust God with this. I don't want to play a gambling game with Him and fear what could happen."

I was in tears that I felt this way. I've never been in a situation where I felt so strongly about not trusting God.

But, to me, this situation was different.

My partner and I started to talk about having children. I lost a pregnancy at five months the first time I was pregnant and had a blighted ovum the second time I was pregnant. It put me in a space that I never expected. Before this conversation, we'd been discussing the possibility of adoption. I've always wanted to adopt, but little did I know I was also doing so out of fear.

As we discussed the option, he wondered why I didn't want to try first. I could get pregnant and knew how to make that happen; however, his next question was what opened up the truth. "Did the doctor say you couldn't have children?" I responded, "No." He asked, "Well, why don't you want us to try?"

The truth came out.

"Because I am scared of the potential outcome. I don't want to ever go through what I did with my previous pregnancies, and I have no idea what God will do or won't do, which terrifies me. It's not worth it. I want to believe I will have a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby. But I haven't seen that happen, and I am scared it may happen again."

I then began to cry.

Reflection: When you've experienced something of your past, no matter what it is, you can find it hard to "try again" in the future. It could be a job posting you've applied to, dating, trusting a friend, re-marrying, or something as simple as trying a new food again. When it comes to trying again for a child, it strikes something different within your heart. Emotions, thoughts, and feelings you didn't even know were hiding within your soul.

What immediate thoughts, emotions, and feelings arise when you consider trying for a child again?